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May Gardens Grow

Although I have given up on my garden to a great extent ( see this post for the back story for my grief-talk), Mark soldiers on with his. In fact this year, he constructed a raised bed to improve and expand his prior garden design. One year we decided to order our tomato plants from Burpee and we’ve done so ever since. We began this practice the year after I started everything from seed and then most of our majestic six-foot plants were tragically struck down by the Downy White Mildew Blight. Heirlooms go first. Hybrids don’t bat an eye.

Pregrown planties from Burpee on Shalavee.com

This incident is one of my reasons for my heartbreak and grief in the garden. But not Mark. He get’s such enjoyment from the planning and the production, giving away more than half our yield to friends, neighbors, and in state relatives, that he couldn’t stop even if he wanted to. Veggie Junkies have been created. He needs to feed their dependency.

Mark's garden April 12 2015 on Shalavee.com

The new bed was planted perpendicular to the old bed and so there was a bit of the old bed left. My son Eamon really mostly hates anything that gets his hands dirty or is remotely related to “yard work”. So having him help has been really disappointing at best. But this year I said he needed to plant a wildflower garden in the old bed and he said “yes”. The trick is to figure out everyone’s GAS. I said we would draw a map. He was excited.

Eamon and his garden mapping on Shalavee.com

I had a fist full of seed packages that had waited to be thought of. Some were old wildflower mixes. While I had two coreopsis, some zinnias, Echinacea, and a random bag of blossoms from a dried up celosia plants from my Mother-in-laws. I have no idea if any of them will germinate. But I told Eamon to divide the garden into quadrants and the map them out. So this is what he made.

Eamon's garden map on Shalavee.com

We are hoping that Fiona is bitten by the gardening bug. So far though, Mark had to convince her that worms don’t bite. And every time she sees a bee she says “Ow”. There’s still hope for his garden help and my kitchen assistant though. Some teeny tiny garden gloves and an apron might need to be added to the dress-up chest soon.

tomatoes and green peppers at the end of April on Shalavee.com

The Snap peas and zucchini (courgettes), as well as the swiss chard and garlic have all been reported doing well. There seems to be some concern over the cucumbers however. I’ll keep you posted. Happy gardening!

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

I Am Sick Of My Story

Oh I know I have oft pondered and excitedly spoken of storytelling. I admire the power the voice gives us to do and be what we are, what we want to be. Our story is our perception and our map of ourselves and our lives. And it can be our undoing as well.

Whatever you say you are, you are. What you choose to do and think becomes what you live. But what if the story you tell is starting to get on your nerves? Have I told you this before? Sit tight because here it comes again.

There are certain stories that I’m telling myself these days that I am sick of telling.

I dislike telling stories of how I can’t.

we were all yellow from Shalavee.com

Recently, I heard myself repeating my story how I couldn’t make the time to clean my disgusting kitchen floor. Until I finally heard myself tell this same story out loud to my mother-in-law and then I was done with telling it. You best believe I found the time and a way to be toddler free just long enough to mop that floor quicky quick.

I don’t want to model this unempowered behavior to my children. I want them to see anything as possible and that it’s a matter of just concertedly planning life out and taking the opportunity to do something, anything else when that opportunity arises.

flowers on the windowsill on Shalavee.com

These days, I’m trying to tackle my to-dos even before they get on my to do list and then get on my nerves by hanging out there a beat too long. But prioritizing chores sometimes means that some tasks continually get put off. These waylayed chores are like that broken umbrella in the hallway that’s been there since March, my can’t stories develop the same invisible force-field. You see the umbrella sit in the same spot and somehow you are unable to reach over and grab it and throw it out. My dirty kitchen floor was under a similar can’t spell.

I’m declaring war on the incomplete projects, the tasks that keep being put off, the unnerving I can’ts. I no longer want to hear them being uttered from my mouth. I’m almost irritated at the thought of them. Maybe I can’t now but then when? I have zero tolerance for the martyr that I’ve been. Giving your power away to excuses and powerlessness is a boring story and I’m tired of giving a precious commodity away to anyone who will listen. Especially when they say, OK whatever. You’re just telling them to re-justify your Can’t and they’re kind enough not to blow your cover.

Fiona in the crusty stairwell on Shalavee.com

Allow me to out myself on a couple of my other can’t sore spots. My garden has reached such tragic proportions in my pitydom, I no longer want to tell that story. I desperately needed to just ask for help from anyone and everyone. And my two friends are swooping in to help me and my garden pity party out. Hooray! Rewriting that one is feeling like hope.

Some other sick of my can’t stories include the Etsy shop I keep putting off opening. The shelves at the top of the garage steps that remain a mess. The drawers/shelves/closets anywhere in my house because it’s Spring. And the inside of the truck which is disgusting. But the hallway that has remained undecorated for several years is a sad and bad little pocket of mental puss for me. In an email comment I made to Kathleen of Braid Creative, she spoke of weird spaces in one’s house and this is what I responded with,

Kathleen,    

    The weird spaces piece got me thinking. I really believe this is absolutely true. My entryway/hallway is wounded. I began to reinvent it but have not finished the vision. And the same is exactly true for me. After taking the Braid Branding course, I am still working to see myself as a new entity, artist, entrepreneur, and creative and writer with a “career”. It’s becoming clearer as I work hard to raise my esteem and create projects I like and make connections.

    So my feeling is I need to do something with the entryway even if it’s wrong. Add color and sparkle until a clearer vision comes. Because it’ll never be exact, it’ll always be a work in progress.

    Thanks Kathleen for this thought parallel.
Love it.
Shalagh”
I wrote this at the end of July of last year. The lack of hall decorating direction is a direct reflection of how I’m feeling internally. The indecision m atches the indecision. So I am setting an intention that the hallway needs a makeover before a year anniversary for my outing myself comes around.

me and a flag on Shalavee.com

And the blog here. Let’s not forget that I’ve wanted to redo this space for so long but I’ve been waiting for clarity on who I am and what the heck I’m doing. I believe I’m closer to telling you how that one actually turns out.

I know this too. If I finally mustered the energy to redecorate Fiona’s room and overcame that block than I’m darn sure I can move the same energy onto other places in my house, life, and head. I am committed to stopping myself from telling this story that I’ve become sick of telling: That I can’t. I want to hear “I Can”, whether it’s true for today or for next week, I want to believe I Can. And  I want to live the hope that this bad/sad story of can’ts shall pass and be replaced with the hopefulness that I deserve to feel because everyone deserves hope.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Five Things in April 2015

When I start to feel like I have a lot, good or bad, in my brain, I remember my friend Lauren’s trick to round-up my thoughts. So I am naming Five Things that have happened or been in my head of late. There’s more but this is good enough.new running shoes on Shalavee.com

– I recently went shopping and bought new running shoes. It may have been way past time to get the shoes as the left shin pain may have indicated. The shopping also won Eamon some new underwear and socks and Fiona some new short sleeve shirts. But frankly Eamon would never complain that his underwear were gray. Shopping to take care of your needs and not to distract you from your woes is a noble endeavor indeed.

– I know that I am addicted to chaos. It was how I grew up and it has taken me this lifetime to understand that you can continue doing and creating what you know and are comfortable with even if it’s bad for you. Because you don’t know that there’s a possibility to do it another way. Toxic relationships, disappointing jobs, failed friendships. Patterns emerge if you are willing to stare at your life long enough to see them. And once you see it, you can’t unsee it so you might as well get on with the recreation.workshop award on five things for April 2015 on Shalavee.com

I taught a blogging workshop this month. It was a really great thing and I wanted to disregard it or deflate it or do something sabatogey to it. Seems not giving myself credit is also something I’m used to doing. I didn’t really know how to feel about this accomplishment. And then I got a rejection letter for a writing submission. And when my email blew up, I wanted to interpret all this chaos as my further proof of my unworthiness but my therapist and friends wouldn’t let me. So I won’t let me either.

– I put a plea out on Instagram for support for my wobbly brain. This would also mark the first time I ever stopped and loudly asked for people’s support. Maybe partially because I knew there were people reading who would give me that support. But also because I no longer feel defensive about people’s advice but receptive to their intentions of kindness. Remembering that it is also gracious to thank people as this gesture makes them feel good too. And this leads me to my last thought of the five.toddlers and sushi on Shalavee.com

– Emergence, inner peace, capability, and affirmation are some of the words in my mind today. Seems according to Eric Ericson’s stages of development, I’m at the middle age stage of 35yrs – 55 or 65yrs, “…working to establish stability” and hard at work on “generativity – attempting to produce something that makes a difference to society. (Inactivity and meaninglessness are common during this stage.)” And what I discovered this week is that a person’s purpose can be to inspire others and make them feel good. To follow my path loudly and share with others is, in and of itself, a noble purpose as it may help to give others permission to do what they need to do as well. You can count that as done because I don’t know that I want to stop.

So follow along as I continue my somewhat meandering journey and living stream of consciousness into everything and anything that I am thinking and doing to continue my journey of purpose. Except for my husband and my people on Instagram, You’ll be the first to know.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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