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The Book I Tried Not to Want to Write

Back when I was young and ambitious, I used to want to write a book. I was sure that every thought that I had was precious and precocious. I knew my woeful tale was worth telling. Then I grew up. And knew my tale wasn’t so different from many tales. Messed up childhood, abusive marriage, addictions, blah blah blah. So many good books well written on these same subjects, I was glad, relieved even, when I felt I had put it all away where it needed to stay.

Until recently, when that concept reared its know-it-all knowing head and said, “Oh Hello, you can’t get rid of me that easily. I’m still here and I’m your Destiny!” Oh Please Already!

Everyone wants to write a book. There’s is nothing novel (hahaha) about it. I really don’t want to want to write a book. And yet, there it was, waving and smiling like an old friend/enemy that I couldn’t ditch.I don't want to want to write a book on Shalavee.com

I have dared not even mention all of this because as soon as I do, I’ll have committed to it and I wasn’t certain I wanted to. You’re going to ask me questions I don’t know if I’m ready to answer. Like what kind of book? I suppose it’ll be what’s known as a self-help book. It’ll be me pulling all these thoughts and life ahas together into a comprehensive format and a lot of personal insights and stories. Because that’s what I am.

Something that I read recently gave me the permission to write this to you today. A gentleman by the name of Jeff Goins has a wonderful career writing to empower writers. And his blog post the other day was on this subject exactly. He said that if that idea is still lingering and you are more than a little afraid of it, it’s because it means a lot to you. You want to do it “right” or not at all. Yup. Like when I used to worry about what kind of parent I’d be and then I realized that was proof enough, that I was going to be (a mostly) good one.I don't want to want to write a book on Shalavee.com

Plenty of people publishing just to get it out of the way. And while I’m not a perfectionist, I certainly don’t want to blow the opportunity to produce a quality product. And you know how you can guarantee you won’t produce a stinker book? Don’t write it. Then you won’t create a stinker and people won’t laugh at you behind you back. And then they never speak to you because you’re a loser.

Except that whole fear/shame script is soooo tiring and unoriginal. And a book that is this much a natural making sense of yourself needs to come out. Much like being constipated in your expressive soul, you need to get it out of the way so that you can express other stuff next. Plus, I might be a bit interested in what I have to say.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter orPinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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Our 15th Wedding Anniversary

Dear Bubby,

Happy wedding anniversary! It’s been such a fast ride here. Where did the time go? My kind compassionate handsome do-good man. Our 15th anniversary on Shalavee.com

When we met, we were well aware of what a bad marriage decision looked like. And we knew this was a good one. We have two cute smart kids and careers that are absolute reflections of our talents and passions.

We are a home. And I’m happy to be here. You and I created a place where we are free to be us, and where our children feel safe. It’s old and leaky sometimes but it’s comfy. Our 15th anniversary on Shalavee.com

I am so glad you fell into my life when you did in a slightly fateful sort of way. I am always grateful for you and your hard work and efforts to be what you need to be for your family. I’m proud of you for everything you do. Our 15th anniversary on Shalavee.com

I love you and am proud to be your Missus.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter orPinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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Ideals and Imperfections

It happens less often, but it still happens. I have sudden wobbly patches, self-doubt storms that descend on my thoughts and life journey and stop everything cold. Takes me time to recover, to understand what I was thinking and the fallacies I was trying to uphold. And then I begin again from where I left off, again in earnest. I am nothing if not earnest.

I have long thought that these humanity patches proved that I was just not leader material. My propensity for derailing, not following through with goals and plans I’d made to be the best somebody was proof of my unworthiness. But what I’ve discovered is that these stumblings are exactly what makes me a true leader instead. Ideals and imperfections on Shalavee.com

I thought in order to be a good leader, blogger, mother, professional, artist, etc., I had to be a certain set of adjectives. I can’t say I’d written out in detail exactly what these adjectives were but I had to be them. So I was holding myself to a set of undefined standards that I would never fulfill. Um what? I assumed there was always more to being any of these things than I was capable of being. Ideals I’d never be able to live up to. I would never possibly be a complete being, unable to perform or achieve enough, my failings would just be my shameful secret and I’d just rather underachieve than have everyone find out my “Not Enoughness”.

Ideals and imperfections on Shalavee.com

What joy I can say I feel in writing these words. Because I have discovered that I have moved just far enough from this perspective to see it and know it’s a bunch of bunk. And that to truly be trusted by yourself or the world, you have to be willing to actually be yourself, imperfections, blown ideals, and not enoughness wide open for you to laugh at. If I laugh at that, you’d not be inclined to criticize me for it but rather admire me for my bravery. And then we’d be fellow humans.

So here’s to finally allowing room for my humanity in my life’s van barreling down the road. I’ve got plenty of room for everyone in here. Underachievers and perfectionists welcome. We break for streams of consciousness, doubt rivers, and will climb the mountains of self-doubt to stand and look back on where we’ve come from. Join me please in a journey all ready in progress.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter orPinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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