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Unlovability

My ex and I were out to prove we were unlovable. Our agendas fit. And we did a good job of proving our simultaneous lack of lovability for about 8 years.
I was persecuted by his abuse. Unworthy of his change.
He was damaged and unchangeable, unworthy of my unconditional love.
And the slow torturous tumultuous dance went around and around.
Neither one of us willing to state what we needed or claim we deserved more or be responsible for walking away. It was a game of marriage chicken.

antlers and mirror from Unlovability on Shalavee.com

I believe strongly,

the attention, devotion, and
presence you receive from your parents

 will become

the promise and
reflection of your worth and
lovability.

 

I continued to believe I was unlovable beyond then into now.
A year ago, I had a dream that it was meal time and I was with my mother, sister, and husband, my family.
But my sister was distracted measuring out flour on a scale and my mother wasn’t in the room and the husband was making an omelet. I felt so aggravated. Why hadn’t anyone included me? Or was I unnecessary?

bay leaves and crab basket from Unlovability on Shalavee.com

And as I thought about this dream, I felt very sad for myself.
I believed that no one’s going to be there the way I need them to be. And If I was unpurposed, I had no cause for being loved. My needs won’t be met by my loved ones as they fulfill their own. Their needs or my needs, not both. If my needs fail to be met, am I unworthy?

cast iron pan and feather from Unlovability on Shalavee.com

In my dream it seemed if no one took care of me then I was unlovable and unworthy of their care. Conditional love. Around and around. But there’s a forgotten loophole.

Love of self.

I can choose to give myself the love and attention I need.Instead of looking to others to see me and give me purpose and worth, I can see me and give my life purpose and worth. And others will join in the parade.

These days, I am making sure I’m getting truckloads of self love.

Now, instead of waiting for others to take care of my needs, I’m taking care of them. I’m scheduling my time to do this. I’m calling people to help. And I’m feeling jazzed that I can make a difference in my life and eventually hoping to make a difference in others’. No longer talking the temporary psyche out to myself which is doomed to Peter out. But living, being the change I never realized I needed.

I’m busy making a real deal self-esteem boosting cocktail.

I’m becoming a mixologist of the positivity smoothie, the one that feels good for you as you drink it.

Grab a straw.

Party Playtime : Paper Feathers

This past weekend was the Big Bash for the One Year-Old Fiona Marie.

Chandelier feathers and painting from Party Playtime on Shalavee.com

As usual, a party is always a good excuse for playtime. I perused the place of pins and knew I needed a paper feathers garland . 

Purple and red paper feathers from Party Playtime on Shalavee.com

I used a copper sharpie and some other metallic paint pens coupled with old music, handmade purple paper with gold thread, and construction paper from my childhood. The colors of the old paper are worn and more muted. And familiar.

preproduction of paer feathers on Party Playtime from Shalavee.com

preproduction of paer feathers on Party Playtime from Shalavee.com

This job was a bit tedious but I did find a rhythm and worked in shifts. When my feathers were done, I strung them on bakers twine using an embroidery needle I could almost thread without my glasses.

dining room with paper feather s for Party Playtime on Shalavee.com

My color choices was based on the “B” painting, painted by a family friend, that hangs in the dining room now. Red, purple, green, pink, and black and white were the primary colors. And when the balloons and presents came in, it was festive and sweet.

paper feathers for we are contributors and Party Playtime on Shalavee.com

feathers curtain and painting for Party Playtime on Shalavee.com

feathers curtain and painting for Party Playtime on Shalavee.com

Sometimes it’s not the perfection of the craft but the spontaneity and whimsy of the gesture that makes something work. These feathers were rough. Some of the paper was brittle and yet the overall effect was charming. And because they are small, they were very hard to take a good picture of too.

Paper feathers on floral fabric from Party Playtime on Shalavee.com

As with Fiona’s Coming Out Party last May, everyone enjoyed themselves, the place looked lovely, and I got to play with flowers. Those pictures are coming plus another project that Eamon helped with.

“And she’ll have fun fun fun til her Daddy takes the T-bird away.”

On Being Here Now

As we plow into another weekend, I take a moment to say,

here I am. I’m being here now.

Red balloon on the ceiling from On Being Here Now from Shalavee.com

I’m busy but I’m being here now, for myself and for my family.

He asked me why I look so busy all the time.

Eamon and the red balloon from On Being Here Now from Shalavee.com

I said because I had four people to take care of.

And then I was asked to list them.

Eamon and the red balloon from On Being Here Now from Shalavee.com

Another week’s ended.

The children have grown in some small way and

the weekend will hold moments dear to us forever.

Eamon holds Fiona from from On Being Here Now from Shalavee.com

I stayed here and did my best this week

for today is all I’ll ever have

and almost more than my heart can bear.

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