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Dread

Today, I began a renovation project that I had dreamed of and dreaded for years. I anticipated it was going to take so much dreadful effort that I had put it off and suffered the interminable nothingness of not starting. Until today…when it took exactly an hour to strip off the wallpaper below the chair rail in the dining room that has been there for ten years.

Dread from Shalavee.com

As I was squirting water on the minimal remaining paper backing of the removed wallpaper, I wasn’t thinking about how much money I’d spent on this expensive grass paper that I was now heedlessly ripping from the wall because the cat had started to use it as a scratching post.  No, I was thinking, what took me so long? The answer was dread.

 

Dread is just another form of fear. It is fear of the unknown, of risk, of f-ing up because of unknown factors that always happen because it’s life. It’s like a daily standard operation system for fear. Procrastination is a result of dread but not a cause. Fortune telling of disaster is what dread is made of.

Dread from Shalavee.com

This smacking of dreadful effort was what kept me from redoing the hallway which now looks fantabulous. It is keeping me from organizing myself for the magazine submission process. And keeping me from pulling out my sewing machine these days to make new flag for my front porch. And quite honestly, was what kept me from having that second baby until I was 46. But I can truly say that in so many other realms of my life, I am excited and looking forward to my endeavors. So let me bask in the glory of a soon to be renovated dining room. And let me remember this feeling of righteousness when I want to strike up the next big project Because apparently, anything I put my mind to gets done. I just have to go ahead and buy the paint, and perhaps a rug, to move me on.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest  too. I am always practicing Intentional in-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

 

 

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Garden Grief

I told my husband this morning that I’m beside myself with frustration and grief from the garden shrub and tree flowering that got screwed up with our early warm spell and freeze this March. There was no umbrella of blossoms on the weeping cherry tree. There are three blooms on the wisteria. And the beautiful tulip magnolia tree next door just sprouted leaves without flowers. I am grieving for the Spring that got stolen.Garden Grief on Shalavee.com

It happens every year. The wisteria gets interrupted. The hydrangea bushes were taken back down to the ground as were the figs. An ill-timed frost takes out whatever shrub or tree is preparing it’s tender timid blossoms and shoots at the moment. And in the event of snowfall, a garage roof avalanche takes out your rosemary bushes. Garden Grief on Shalavee.com

My husband said,”Well you can’t control nature.” I stare at him. Is it that I am angry that I can’t control it? Or is it that I already see enough grief in the world without having my backyard oasis turn on me too? I had given over the vegetable gardening to my husband after a crop of six-foot tall tomatoes were devastated and demolished by a downy white mildew blight. It wasn’t personal, just nature and the wind. And I gave up.

Except understand, there are nine garden beds around my house. And I am happy with zero of them. The lack of enthusiasm doesn’t help to change them and so I carry over my disdain and complacency from year to year. Yes if I could afford to have professionals come in and overhaul them I would. But I can’t so I won’t.Garden Grief on Shalavee.com

A journey of a thousand miles starts with the first step they say. And drops in the bucket fill it up. I concede that I will have to begin again and forgive mother nature for her cruelty. It’s just business after all, not personal. The business of continuing to decide whether I’m in the game or not. If you pity me and live anywhere near me, tell me what you can do for me. I’m all ears.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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Placeholder People

Some people embody placeholders. They see themselves as having no purpose, no fate that betters the world. That their purpose is to just keep quiet, keep moving, have a couple of children, make money to feed their family, and just be. Their subsistence and distractions are their definition of happiness. Perhaps those babies will grow up to have a bigger purpose, to do something amazing. Maybe not. Either way, there are people who aren’t meant to shake the world. And they too are very necessary.

I respect your claim that you don’t want to look inward, work on your soul, look at your fears, or be accountable for much more than you have to. And in return, please don’t mock those of us who can’t contain our craving to grow out of the pot we’ve been planted in. We are doing our darndest to make a difference and be brave for our children and maybe yours. Placeholder people on Shalavee.com

If you judge me, you then judge me for the risks you are unwilling to take. And while I respect other people’s fears as I respect my own, there’s no room anymore for “us and them” especially at the price of bravery. There is room for “you and me” and the acceptance of our differences, our fears, and our driving truths. Let’s agree to live our lives simultaneously and respect one another’s efforts. Because life smacks of effort all the time. And tolerance starts in our hearts.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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