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I’m a Former Chaos Junkie

I can not remember ever not being whacked out about my life, my month, my week, or my day. I have lived in perpetual chaos, stressed out about whatever events are coming up or jobs or deadlines or responsibilities I had. And it always felt like each outcome would decide whether I was a legitimate person or just a poser in my life.

I’d have days of feeling the anticipation of an upcoming deadline and my stomach would hurt, I’d chew the inside of my cheek to shreds, and generally feel like crap mentally. As in “feeling like I was free-falling through holes in my soul” scared. No solid ground to stand on and “why is it I never asked for anti-anxiety medicine” anxious.

And then I walked through a door. I was working hard on my value and my self-esteem work and I realized that I was building all these anxieties on false thoughts about the outcomes I presumed would happen as a result of these situations. I predicted things going badly and then I was done. Except nothing had even happened yet. I discovered I Was not What I Feel.If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations. And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

So I began to call myself on the lies I’d been telling myself all of my life. I began to collect the clues that I had worth and value in the world. And gradually the equation of my worth came to the surface and battled those falsehoods. Thankfully my good side won and my anxieties have decreased immensely.

I stopped creating the whirlwind of crazy to perpetuate the scared feelings I was used to feeling. And I dared to feel calm, perhaps even happy. I won one battle after the other to win back my psyche and I’m glad to say I have rewritten how my brain processes my day-to-day. It took work and insight and effort. And it was worth every little bit of that work. I feel like a real girl now. Ready to look forward and battle the real dragons in my life and not the self-created false ones.

If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

For The Upcoming New Baby Mama

There are two lovely young women that I know that are both expecting miracle babies. Both did not really believe this was going to happen and probably are still holding their breath on occasion. But it’s real, one’s expecting a boy and the other a girl, and I thought I’d do a baby round-up sorta post for them to share some of the tidbits of wisdom I’d posted for the miracle baby expecting and having.kitty and bunny baby girl clothing on Shalavee.com

When my friend Claudia was having her first of two miracle babies, I wrote this article entitled A Few More Baby Tips. This was a follow-up to one called The Irk Is In the Details. These contain all the good stuff. From your yucky body stuff to what the heck they’re doing when they do that. It’s all so scary and confusing and you need to know that someone’s got your back either to keep your baby alive while you take a walk out of earshot. Or to dole out hardcore good advice when you are sleep deprived and out of ideas.baby shoes on Shalavee.com

Before the baby was born, we signed up for something called Mealbaby. Here’s my Mealbaby post on this marvelous concept where people can sign up to come visit you and bring you food when you most need the support right before and right after the baby is born. You deserve the help and the support and I was so happy I did it as you can read and feel from this post.

This was me freaking out and fussing about the last Minute Baby Tasks.

Bellies are enormous in those last few days on Shalavee.com

And in case you want to see the post I wrote after we brought Fiona home from the hospital, here’s that one called Ooh Baby Baby.

As you get into the swing of things (aka trial by baby fire) you’ll forget to take a shower here and there or snip off your jagged fingernail. Or brush your teeth. Or eat well. And this bit below is my way of offering a reminder to you that you still matter. Alot !

Baby Fiona on Shalavee.com

An Excerpt from ‘For Me: After the Baby Part Two

Returning From the Trenches

When you have a baby, there is a sucking vortex that drags you into a gauntlet of physical and emotional challenges much worse than those Japanese obstacle course shows. Seen those? Where they’re jumping onto giant bobbing floats in huge pools of water dressed in costumes and you know there’s no possible way they can gain enough speed to jump and land on them and actually stay on top. But they’re trying so hard because there’s a huge prize. And they will fall and make you cringe every time.

In Momland, the huge prize is just keeping the baby alive. Aspire to nothing else and you are still an overachiever. You do this at all costs and eventually you have completely forgotten that you are a person who needs sleep or showers or a day off. No one can understand why you are so weepy or jumpy or crazed except other Mothers or people who’ve been on the front line and in the trenches. And people’s pity only helps so much and then you’re alone again.

I am not a victim or a martyr of my circumstances.

So many people have stories of coming out of this with a realization that to be the happy present Mommy you want to be, you have to take care of yourself and your basic needs at least. After being in the trenches, a pedicure may seem fluffy and frivolous but it is necessary. Since Fiona was born, I have gotten more of those than ever before. I just treated myself to one this week. But it’s also taking care of your body in the serious ways too.

And in taking care of myself, my alone time needs, my exercise needs, and my mental and physical “indulgences”, I am not a victim or a martyr of my circumstances. I do not ask anyone to take care of me. It is up to me.Brother and baby sister on Shalavee.com

And for a laugh, this post entitled Zombie Baby will bring back the levity you lost when you had this creature erupt forth from your body and forever alter the bliss and peace you knew as your life.

Ok, so this is some of what I’ve got. I hope that it helps you out and that if you need any more, you’ll text or call. You never need to be alone with your fearful thoughts as long as a friend is on the other end of a phone. You’ll do fine keeping that baby alive and that’s all that matters. She’ll want to sit on your head constantly and be your baby accessory, but that’s par to that baby putt putt course.

If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Happier Now That I Like Myself Daily

Not too long ago, say right after Christmas, I woke up and I would dread getting dressed because the following would occur. I would be unhappy about how I looked in the mirror and how tightly my clothing was. My closet of clothing contained fewer options I felt I could fit into, liked myself in, or hid me from view correctly. The top shelf jeans were piled high. I dreaded being myself in my body every day. I longed to jut be happier with myself.

If you’ve never felt this way, that is amazing and I’m so glad because feeling bad about your body just sucks. And if you once felt this and are now in a better mental and physical place, high-five and I’d love to hear your story. And if you are there now, we need to talk. Ten pounds lighter and much happier on Shalavee.com

Let me say up front, if you are one of two ladies I know who are currently pregnant and feel large, I feel for you too and here’s the trick ; the weight doesn’t matter. You’ll get as large as you get, the weight isn’t any reflection of you but of your body’s amazing capacity to keep you species healthy and alive. The weight is its way of prepping for the snowstorm. Please do what I did and turn you back to the scale when they weigh you and let the nurse know you’d rather not know. You’ll get as big as you’ll get, and much like the dollars spent for your wedding, it’ll take what it takes to make it perfect. Your baby will be perfect and you’ll recover eventually, physically and emotionally.

For the rest of you who are disgusted with your bodies and feel like you are in a perpetual ring of sabotage and stuck with your eating and health, you are. You are stuck. And this will only change if you realize/admit you are stuck. Owning where you are is your ticket out of anywhere. It got me out of my first marriage and eventually, it took me to Weight Watchers where in a mere two months, I’ve managed to lose a pants size. All this time I could have done this but instead I was bemoaning the never-changing circumstances of my body. Sigh.Me losing weight on Shalavee.comsing weight

Change nothing and nothing changes” is one of those phrases that always comes up for me around my body. But for all the exercises I would do, I never was willing to actually track and calculate what I put in my face if it meant I couldn’t eat butter, oil, mayo, bread, or pasta when I wanted to.

Choices Vs. Fear

I finally realized that I was clinging to these carbs for fear. For fear that I may starve to death. For fear that when I got upset of nervous, I wouldn’t have something to make me feel better. When I want it, I want it. So I just had it all the time. And my fear never had to worry about stuff, even thought that’s fear’s specialty no matter what. But the body is a machine with a precise equation of calories that it runs on and then the excess gets stored. If you put too much in, it stores those calories. And if you give it less than is required, it takes it away from the fat cells. So I could choose to continue to live ignorantly of this exact point of loss or gain for me and find out by looking in the mirror. Or find the courage and the reason to choose to change my lifestyle up just enough to prove it was not an impossibility after all for me to lose weight. I chose the latter.

I was surprised after I joined Weight Watchers to know that all sorts of people I knew personally had successfully used it at some point in their lives. They would immediately and exuberantly say it worked and then they might wistfully admit they needed to return. We remember when we felt great about ourselves. And I haven’t been this skinny in nearly a decade.

I realize that we are often very attached to our excuses and our stories of failure. Like rosary beads of misery, we go over them and over them exclaiming and retelling our sorrowful excuses why we can’t. So I offer that you have to find a new story that’s so good and noble that you’ll want to see yourself succeed like any friend you’d support through this. My personal is that this year I’m turning 50 years old a tan and there’s no way in Heck that I want to do that feeling daily disdain for my body. My theory is that the only way to fight looking older is to grow your hair longer, whiten your teeth, get a tan, and lose weight. Plus dress nicer and wear make-up. me and Fiona on Shalavee.com

The number one “tool” for weight loss? Community. And that’s what you have with a program where other people show up and share the same worries and thoughts and set backs as you when you attend a group oriented program like weight watchers. You finding out that you are not the only one feeling these feelings of fear and frustration are exactly what others are feeling. And that somehow makes feeling those feelings a little better. And feeling better about yourself is the point here.

So what has your experience been with losing weight? Or what projects have you taken on where you realized you needed an accountabili-buddy to complete ?

If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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