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Childhood Injury Causes Debilitating Doubt

What you are about to read for the next few days of posts is the story I have just lived which transpired this Summer, 2017. I began to tell this story when I wrote Catching up and Telling the Truth . This post referring to my childhood was the most painful because I wrote it during the doubt storm. And as you read the next few posts, you will see how I am processing, what happened, and how I’m making use of the worst of moments to make the better ones come.

I was injured as a child. Not the sort of injury you’d necessarily see but one that has left me debilitated in ways that I feel today. At this very moment. In my soul. I am unworthy of the world and this is an overwhelming wound to heal.

 

It is true that I have come an immense distance in elevating my self-esteem from a pretty low place. A place where I allowed others to treat me like poop on their shoes. Depending on the day, I struggle with some of the simplest acts of validation. And I can’t always fake my way through. And I do not feel I have moved on at all.Childhood Injury Causes Debilitating Doubt on Shalavee.com

 

I have a struggle to see myself as I truly am. I always see what I don’t know and what I haven’t achieved. And thus, I don’t feel I have the authority to tell anyone anything if I am still here struggling. But maybe humanity is begging for us to just be human again.

 

Maybe most of us just want the truth, no matter how ugly it is. We just want to know that other people struggle so our struggle isn’t as much of a big deal. So I am here talking myself down off the ledge I’m teetering on yet again and these are the truths I came up with today.

 

I have knowledge that I have gained which has moved me on considerably in my life. I am not anxiety free but I am 75% there.

 

The truths that I have discovered for myself may be of help to others.

 

I want to find purpose. I do not care about making money. However, if charging something for what I know makes it seem more valuable so that people may actually use it, I would be amenable to asking for compensation.

 

Other people’s sharing of their knowledge has no reflection on my knowledge and worth. They do not deserve my judgement for marching to their own beats. And whether you call yourself a life coach or not doesn’t matter if you can genuinely help people and want to help them. Neither the title or the training legitimizes a person’s work.Childhood Injury Causes Debilitating Doubt

 

I have no clue what I ultimately want to do in my life. Every time I think I might have sorted it out, I question my motives, my knowledge, my to do list, and my fears come in to shut me down again.

 

So I’ve decided to give myself permission to not know this week. I’m literally writing myself a permission slip that says I have the right to not know what I want from my life. And it’s effective this week especially as it’s Summer vacation and I want to be able to enjoy my expensive two night stay at the beach with the peace of mind of knowing , I don’t have to know.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest  too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

 

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My Sixth Year Blogaversary

Well, this blogaversary snuck up on me. Kind of like old age and thinning hair, suddenly you may not be rocking them but you own them, like it or not. I have had a blog, been blogging, been a blogger for six years this August. Not as long as some and not as successful as other blogs younger than me. That’s just how it is in the blogosphere, you can see who you’re comparing yourself to and then you have to tell yourself another story.

I can say that at this blog has grown me in ways that I didn’t expect in the least. I became a better writer for the continued regular practice. I became a social media user. Say what? I gained confidence in skills I previously did not have nor ever intended to use. I became a better bigger badder me. And that is always an endeavor worth taking on, even if I didn’t know that’s where I was headed to begin with. It’s been an adventure, a Toad’s wild ride. Read my peppier 5th blogaversary post here (and there are connections to the other anniversary posts there too).

My self-esteem, while having been raised quite extraordinarily by all of the aforementioned benefits of blogging, is still teetering on the questions of value and purpose. It’s fear and humanity all stuck in my throat like a hairball. And I’m hacking up a lung behind the scenes trying to clear this block from my psyche so I can continue to blog with a new and better and bigger purpose.My Six Year Blogaversary on Shalavee.com

Because as much as this has served me well to be a better writer and reach out and find pockets of community and esteem, I believe the next way it will serve me will need more focus and more effort and more transparency. And way more work. I will have to take a stand for me and for people like me who need a hand helping themselves out of similar holes. I will have to believe I matter. And that kind of heroism doesn’t come easy.

So thanks to each and every loving one of you for your continued support of my writing and bumbling blogging efforts. I am forever in your debt. You are my crew, my community, and my heart.

Love,

Shalagh

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest  too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Social Media is Good For You

The increased use of social media has changed the world in ways many people will suggest are all bad. Saying that this new crop/generation of ego soaked narcissists wouldn’t have come about without the social media medium is short-sighted. My thought is that this medium just gave everyone a voice that they were already feeling entitled to use while disregarding anyone else. It didn’t make them this way, it just aided them to be heard.And watching this definitely made many of us a little more shy online.

But just because that’s what you hear and see, this still doesn’t mean all of us are having that same distasteful experience. In fact my social media experience has become quite the opposite and I am bowled over at how my esteem was raised up so much by strangers on the internet.

If you Google search “the effects of social media”, you get a pretty bad laundry list of how people’s psyches are crumbling under the pressure of the cult of perfect on the internet. I want you to like me, I am compelled to control that, and so I put false and perfect images up of myself so that you’ll ooh and ahh and won’t cast me out of the tribal circle. Except, the false-self will be very unhappy with the whole thing and eventually, in your attempts to be a perfect, you will fail to trust the very acknowledgement you receive.Social Media is Good For You on Shalavee.com

…Have the faith that if you are just you, that those who are meant to be your friends will know you with their eyes closed and their minds open.

The opposite of fake is authentic. And I now know that authenticity comes from you creating a space for you to be yourself. That it is highly risky, yes, but when you hand your true you over to strangers repeatedly and they still like you? You got a good thing going on. And so was my tale of how Instagram has changed my life.

The story about how this medium elevated me from my dragging self-esteem to being a daring doer, is all about how I made lovely friends all over the world and trusted that what they were telling me was true. That not only didn’t I suck, I soared. My ideas were valid and wise. My art and pictures were interesting and beautiful. And that I was genuinely a someone that people wanted to be friends with and still do.Social Media is Good For You on Shalavee.com

This was about seeing myself through a previously non-existent mirror. And building myself up with risks and achievements I’d accomplished which then were echoed time and again by strangers who became my friends. That is how I see social media in my world. I am a benevolent loving presence in many people’s lives. I have exchanged letters with them and met with them and Skyped with them. And I am never disappointed at how wonderful the women of the world are. And how they show up for me when I ask them to. Very validating indeed.

Social media isn’t as sucky as social media would have you think. It’s all in the way that you use it.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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