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To Be at Home at Home

My rather pregnant friend and I were having lunch last month, she was free of her two year-old and me of my five year-old, and the freedom of having lunch together outside of our houses made us giddy. And I said that sometimes I feel like I’m a different person outside my home. And she agreed she felt that way too.

It’s as if I am a prisoner of my house and all that’s wrong with it. The problems that are my problems to solve get topped by chores and meals and there’s no longer any room for me to breathe. Perhaps I drown in my own expectations of what it means to be a good homekeeper.To Be at Home at Home on Shalavee.com

And then when I escape, I’m no longer that person and possibilities of other ways to exist open up. The same walls containing the same lies fade away and I can make up new and better stories. And I wonder every time, how do I steal this feeling and bring it back home and redecorate with it? This sense of endlessness living. Of possibilities and promises?To Be at Home at Home on Shalavee.com

It is always in the way that we look at it that shades the daily feelings. I just find it interesting that both me and my friend experienced this same feeling of house arrest. I love my children and my house in many ways, I just wonder what perceptions I need to tweak to feel free and unfettered in my home again accepting that a little vacation is always necessary for a fresh perspective. To be at home in my own home, in my own skin would be a truly splendid gift. As I said in this post, The home I truly seek is within me.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter orPinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Having My Butt Exposed

This was that week. The week when everything came to a head. When all my plans to be vulnerable, my butt exposed both mentally and physically, came to fruition. I sat back for a few days to digest the events, see if the results I had hoped for were achieved. Was all the risk and pain worth it?

Yes.

Having My Butt Exposed on Shalavee.com

I put my original creative thoughts about the connection between intentional creativity and the reduction of anxiety down onto paper and read them aloud. Was my presentation delivered well? Not necessarily. But I released a thought that I believe in out into the world. And for this risk of vulnerability, I am extremely proud. You have to start even if it isn’t pretty.Having My Butt Exposed on Shalavee.com

I also literally had my butt out in a drafty operating room receiving multiple injections to cauterize the nerves in my SI joint and cease the pain that plagues me. There were probably six people in that room. None of them cared that my large fish belly white butt was exposed. They were there for their own knowledge and competency.Having My Butt Exposed on Shalavee.com

But when it was all over, I had the opportunity to have lunch with my husband and be in one of my favorite places in my hometown of Baltimore. Fells Point has changed and yet it still holds this Dickensian charm of an old world industrial city port and I felt satisfied, physically and mentally.Having My Butt Exposed on Shalavee.com

I foresaw my fears and did it all anyway. I looked to the future and knew that, without these risks to be vulnerable, I’d never truly be happy. I’d just be guarding against the pain. And that is not how I want to live. So I risk the pain of vulnerability and surround myself with my people cheering me on. And it feels more real than ever before.Having My Butt Exposed on Shalavee.com

Thank you for your support through all of these trials. My hopes are that you are encouraged to be vulnerable and courageous in your own lives. That I can help to foster your own self-trust and pride. And we can keep being visible together.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter orPinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

The Subtleties of Shifts

(Originally published in December of last year, this post still makes more sense than not. Shift is perpetual and always in need of being actually seen.)

Life’s best asset and worst downfall is that it takes its sweet time. That it is relentless in its expansive pardoning of our mistakes. Every day is a new day to start over seems like too much wiggle room for screw ups. But it also means that the daily monotony can lead to imperceptible shifts. Stuff that would pass you by unless you were wise enough to go looking for it. Or someone else pointed it out to you.

Developing your mindfulness is a way of gaining another eye on your life and yourself. Being able to hold on for a beat more and instead of launching into reaction, to take a look at yourself and what you are about to do and perhaps choose something else. This is shift.

And then there’s just the blindness we end up with when we’ve got our eye so hard on a prize that we truly want but don’t believe we will ever have. And we totally disregard all the progress that we have made because winning means a goal met and not the stuff in between. All or nothing thinking plagues me still.The Subtleties of Shifts on Shalavee.com

Of recent, my computer had a behavior problem after its operating system got updated. And for a week now, I just assumed it ate my sticky notes, the little pretend post it notes on my desktop that hold some of the profound thoughts and understandings I have come across of recent. And now that they’ve been suddenly returned to my computer, I clearly see a shift that happened for me in the past six months.

And that shift was about valuing myself.

Here’s most of the quotes on my sticky notes.

I love and accept myself

I respect and honor myself

I can achieve anything I desire

I believe in myself

I deserve to be loved and respected by those around me

 

Even knowing that

you have the power

to change things

changes things. -Me-

The Subtleties of Shifts on Shalavee.com

 

Your task is not to seek for love,

but merely to seek and find

all the barriers within yourself

that you have built against it.

~ Rumi

You will be your own destiny and your own reason why.” -Me-

 

There are days I drop words of comfort on myself like falling leaves and remember that it is enough to be taken care of by myself.” ~ Brian Andreas

Fear is the cheapest room in the house. I would like to see you living in better conditions.” — Hafez–

I am struck by this shift in the value of myself. Was this what I was working on for all this time? Yes. Did I recognize how much I had begun to truly own that shift? No. The daily doing and expectations that we all subject ourselves to can truly bury the important stuff. If we aren’t giving ourselves the credit for the work we’re doing, it’ll feel like we’re standing still. If we keep raising the bar, we never see how much we’ve risen to meet it.

The Subtleties of Shifts on Shalavee.com

We are all moving, maybe at a slug’s pace, but moving all the same if we are doing the work we need to do to make this happen. The change in perceptions and the feelings we experience will take as long as they take to deliver us there. But in the end, we will arrive and, if our eyes are open, we’ll see we have endured the most amazing slow ride to get there.

Want to read more about Shifts?

Craving the Shift

The Shift : My Decision to Not Be Sucky

Awaiting the Shift from If to When

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest  too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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