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Building a Fortress Against the Zombie Thoughts

I am continuing the story of the siege I suffered of negative thinking recently that left me debilitated. The kind of attack that you are not ready for. An apocalypse from within. And I was powerless for a month as the waves of self-hatred and bullying just kept coming in. I was a loser and there was no hope apparently.

Everything happens for a reason. I went through it possibly to declare that THAT IS THE VERY LAST TIME THAT WILL EVER HAPPEN. Revelations have poured forth after my recuperative period. I’d assuredly never bully anyone else like that or I would never have friends , so how is it acceptable to do it to myself? The opposite of this bullying is Self-Compassion and self-care. And I am ready to load up on deep amounts of this if it will help me never go here again.

I began again to search for an understanding about where my wires are crossed, what it is I need to focus on, and what are my strengths as well as my confusions. And here’s what I discovered.

Building a Fortress Against the Zombie Thoughts on Shalavee.com

That there needs to be a separation between my child who wants to play and create and contribute to my life from the adult me who makes important decisions about work and life purpose. My inner child was asked to do some heavy lifting when she was little. And it’s my job to assure her she no longer needs to do that. She will be safe. Do I trust myself to take care of myself? I’d like to.

I also discovered that “I can’t” means there’s no hope. That your lack of faith in your own ability genuinely then guarantees you will not try to create what you believe is an impossibility. And that feels like prison. So instead of building a prison, I’d like to build a fortress against these rampant terrifying zombie thoughts that wear me down and then eat my brains.  I’d like to come up with a massive quantity of resources to draw from when my brain starts to play tricks on me. And build the foundation of faith in my ability to handle what happens to me so that the fortress just strengthens itself as it’s tested.

 

Building a Fortress Against the Zombie Thoughts on Shalavee.com

I am endeavoring to have the skills and enough the mindfulness to pull out and see the siege as a sabotage by my reptilian fear brain. I can then stay the course as I deal with the lies that beat at my soul’s battlements and not give up on everything I’m dreaming and working on. I am stronger than I know, further than I think, and have a higher purpose than I once thought. And I’d like to  think I’m smarter than these little tricks my brain likes to play on me about my value.

What part of this resonates with you ? Do you submit to fearful thoughts or battle the bastards like the brain sucking zombies that they are?

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest  too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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Woman’s Inhumanity to Herself : Self-Bullying

I admittedly had a tough first month of Summer. And if you read the intro to yesterday’s post, you’ll understand that this is a recent self-doubt storm unfolding.

When I took a harder look at what caused this, I’d say it was the result of a pretty bad should storm. My own inhumanity to myself was the cause. One where no matter how hard I’d work or diet or do, I wasn’t going to be good enough. I was defeated and thrashing and depleted. And I’d say I was a victim of my own complete lack of compassion.

I’d never have thought myself a heartless or mean person. I am kind and supportive to anyone who I can see is confused or in pain. But somehow it seems, I cannot afford myself the same compassion. And without that compassion, I end up just being a bully. Because that’s how that works.

I was aghast at thought that I was bullying myself. Yes, Self-bullying. I’m not a bully-er. But what else is a person who constantly berates another for being fat and fearful? Who, despite apparent disadvantages, expects more than they can possibly do. Who asks to be pleased and performed for and for complete compliance. You call them a bully.

Woman's Inhumanity to Herself on Shalavee.com

So, I have pulled back on the expectations. I am taking some industrial strength self-care of myself. And I am gently asking what else I can do to serve her needs for happiness. I am ignoring what the scale says and instead donning clothing that fits who I am now and makes me feel good about her. I am pledging that, to the very best of my ability, I will stop bullying myself. I will stop spending that wasted energy on negativity and start choosing to nurture and protect the very noble and authentic parts of myself that need to shine instead.

Anything here ring true for you?

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest  too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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Childhood Injury Causes Debilitating Doubt

What you are about to read for the next few days of posts is the story I have just lived which transpired this Summer, 2017. I began to tell this story when I wrote Catching up and Telling the Truth . This post referring to my childhood was the most painful because I wrote it during the doubt storm. And as you read the next few posts, you will see how I am processing, what happened, and how I’m making use of the worst of moments to make the better ones come.

I was injured as a child. Not the sort of injury you’d necessarily see but one that has left me debilitated in ways that I feel today. At this very moment. In my soul. I am unworthy of the world and this is an overwhelming wound to heal.

 

It is true that I have come an immense distance in elevating my self-esteem from a pretty low place. A place where I allowed others to treat me like poop on their shoes. Depending on the day, I struggle with some of the simplest acts of validation. And I can’t always fake my way through. And I do not feel I have moved on at all.Childhood Injury Causes Debilitating Doubt on Shalavee.com

 

I have a struggle to see myself as I truly am. I always see what I don’t know and what I haven’t achieved. And thus, I don’t feel I have the authority to tell anyone anything if I am still here struggling. But maybe humanity is begging for us to just be human again.

 

Maybe most of us just want the truth, no matter how ugly it is. We just want to know that other people struggle so our struggle isn’t as much of a big deal. So I am here talking myself down off the ledge I’m teetering on yet again and these are the truths I came up with today.

 

I have knowledge that I have gained which has moved me on considerably in my life. I am not anxiety free but I am 75% there.

 

The truths that I have discovered for myself may be of help to others.

 

I want to find purpose. I do not care about making money. However, if charging something for what I know makes it seem more valuable so that people may actually use it, I would be amenable to asking for compensation.

 

Other people’s sharing of their knowledge has no reflection on my knowledge and worth. They do not deserve my judgement for marching to their own beats. And whether you call yourself a life coach or not doesn’t matter if you can genuinely help people and want to help them. Neither the title or the training legitimizes a person’s work.Childhood Injury Causes Debilitating Doubt

 

I have no clue what I ultimately want to do in my life. Every time I think I might have sorted it out, I question my motives, my knowledge, my to do list, and my fears come in to shut me down again.

 

So I’ve decided to give myself permission to not know this week. I’m literally writing myself a permission slip that says I have the right to not know what I want from my life. And it’s effective this week especially as it’s Summer vacation and I want to be able to enjoy my expensive two night stay at the beach with the peace of mind of knowing , I don’t have to know.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest  too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

 

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