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Parenting On the Edge of the Middle

My fellow Mom and I were standing there watching our children do laps at the Christmas train show. And I mused how it was hard to find that middle ground in between that place where everything your child does is all about you and that place where you’re completely disengaged. But to choose to stand on the ground in between. It’s hard to be there.

If I make everything they do about me, as in making me happy, making me look bad, etc., then how can I expect them to not think everything and everyone doesn’t revolve around them. After all, that’s what their mind reading mother showed them. How do we mothers disengage from our children’s choices and allow them to know they’re just not all that. Some of that but not all that.

If you read a little child psych 101 then you know that your child chooses much of what he/she does based on how you’ll respond. Your mirror lets them gauge their worthiness. And understanding their worthiness is tantamount to growing up. But if you make their life about you and not them, not only do they miss the opportunity to learn the lessons about who they are, but they will go on to have children and make their children’s lives about them. I can tell you, I refuse to do this to my kids. Industrial Overfocused is my coping strategy on Shalavee.com

Sitting on the library floor waiting for storytime to begin, I mentioned to the two other mothers of toddler girls next to me that I could see how women would want to escape from this task of the constant struggle to mirror correctly by going to a job. But unless you make geegobs of money, it just pays for the childcare. And that child still needs to work those issues out with you. They’re going to try to do it in the little amount of time they have with you but what if it doesn’t get worked out? Then the teen years will be worse. Their need to feel safe and separate has a time limit.

I want to live in the realm where my children’s every single action has little to do with the quality of my parenting. Where I’m not so tired that I overreact to every spill and act of rudeness my children inevitably will have. I want to feel a tolerant bubble around me and make intelligent choices for correcting my children and guiding them to make better decisions. But that all sounds really too good to be true. So I’ll just do my best, let go of the rest. And ask that they respect me always. The best I can do for now. Living on the edge of the middle.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter orPinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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Industrious Over-focused is My Coping Mechanism

I rocked my Christmas production. While Mark was out of the country on business in mid December, I scheduled all the Christmas activities on my two daycare days, at night, and on the weekends. In fact, by working more proactively this year, I event coordinated both Christmas and Thankgiving like a pro. And when it was over, when the pause between Christmas and New Year’s came, I awaited the twitchy tell-tale signs of my spastic over-doing nature to pull me off the couch.Industrious over focused is y coping mechanism on Shalavee.com

From my therapist, I learned that in childhood, when a child doesn’ t get the support or acceptance they deserve and need, he/she adopts a coping strategy. Seems mine is called Industrious/Over-focused. I discovered all of this after I had asked her why it was that there never seemed to be an end point to my work. What I did was never enough. She said, if I continue to expect my efforts to be met with disapproval, I’ve created a habit of just not stopping. Makes sense.

It’s tough to override the auto-pilot coping mechanisms. Especially when you are stressed out. I began to really think hard about how now I am the parent in my life. That I don’t have to be disapproving of my efforts. In fact, I’d say mostly these days, I’m OK with most of my efforts. So it really is about me being mindful and kind enough, trusting myself enough to just have a seat, relax, and feel worthy. That can be hard work for the Energizer Bunny here but I did find myself choosing to not cook every single night and I chose to sit and relax and write by the fire once or twice. I enjoyed a movie with my family multiple nights over the holiday. And I let myself art a little to boot. I listened and I heard myself own my needs. That’s huge.Industrial Overfocused is my coping strategy on Shalavee.com

Days passed that I didn’t have anything big to do. And I awaited that twitchy feeling of disapproval to arrive. And it never did. Of course the laundry piled up and today was a four-loader. But that’s to be expected every once in a while. It bore no ill reflection on my worth or the value of my soul’s loveability.

I’m satisfied with everything I did this holiday season. From having no bows on my presents and coordinating the wrapping paper to the recipient, I ended up enjoying a few glasses of good cheer in my lovely little happily decorated home. Because I have bigger fish to fry this year and need none of that to distract me from my focus on my purpose and happiness and values I’ve come to understand are things I’m entitled to have.

If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit. If you Sign up for my newsletter in the sign up box over there to the right, you’ll receive a first look-see at my Creative Mothers’ Manifesto!  Heartfelt impassioned words on the need for expressing creativity for your soul and being a better mother for it.

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Nothing Changes New Year’s Day, or Does It

I believe that everything can change on New Year’s Day and yet, I also believe it doesn’t. I believe if you change nothing, nothing changes. I also believe that if you have a change of heart, everything changes, and that can happen every single day of the year. Nothing changes on New Year's Day on Shalavee.comNothing changes on New Year's Day on Shalavee.com

Faith and Hope are boundless and can change everything and this change can happen any day of the year regardless if it’s a Tuesday or the moon is Full. We are such immense and amazing products of what we believe and are infinitely more powerful than we recognize and believe. Nothing changes on New Year's Day on Shalavee.com

So here’s to upping the ante on what you believe your life and potential is worth in this coming year. And to gathering your support closer to hold you accountable to the wonderful outcome that this could bring. I am wishing this for you and for me, that you are what keeps me aligned and courageous and hopeful for what I can and will bring this coming year.

Happy New Year!!!

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter orPinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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