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Listless

Last week was like a test week for me, not that all the weeks haven’t tested me but it felt most certainly that way. I’ve just been unable to get enough separate time and that starts to eat away at my personality. I was feeling wobbly and sad last week. We had moment after moment of upset with the kids and I began to leak hope.

And then a woman on Instagram wrote that she now understood what the word “Listless” meant. I am without focus for myself. I have been so bust throughout this “crisis” making sure everyone else has been OK and taken care of that I just ran out of myself. An author named Anniki Sommerville wrote a book called Motherwhelmed which looks to be a funny and empowering read on the feelings of worthlessness that often accompany motherhood.listless on Shalavee.com

Towards my recovering and restoring myself, last week I dyed my roots and cut my bangs. And repainted my toenails. However, what I need is to truly demand more time being alone. That’s what energizes me. And reinstate my favorite boundary establishing phrase, “I’m sorry that you feel that way but I have to do this for me”. Used that to break up with the “boyfriend that wouldn’t leave”. I have also signed up for a week of a meditational exercise with Michelle GD that includes list making called Just Five Things. Looking forward to creating a new perspective and a new community.

The hardest part is to suspend the self-judgement. I need to start my exercise regiment back and that’s going to be inspired by the new running shoes that I ordered. One day at a time. That is how my 100 day project is progressing. And that is how we will get out of this 2020 debacle of pandemic craziness. Thoughtfully. Carefully. Determined.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Are You in Feeling or Dealing Mode?

Where I was a dealer and not the feeler in the beginning of this lockdown, now no amount of cooking, cleaning, or wine is making this quarantine better for me. I was writing to do lists for a while. But even that is not bestowing me any sense of normality. I’m carrying my pain, my children’s pain, and concern for our mothers’ health. And all I really want to do is just spend a week alone.

I make sure I get a walk in everyday. I do laundry and grocery shopping twice every week. I cook 75% of our meals. I do a collage every day for my 100 day project. And I try to write these blog posts three times weekly but sometimes it’s only twice. I was in dealing mode but I’m fast melting down. Going into feeling mode. This last week I almost cried. For me, that’s a thing.Are You in Feeling or Dealing Mode? on Shalavee.com

Before this all happened, I always beat myself up because I am not working on the next big project. Because I gained weight and I couldn’t seem to shed it. Nothing’s changed. Except now I have no alone time and no gym to go to. When do I get the epiphany that this is all meant to be? And it isn’t about me? Just gonna keep writing what I’m thinking and feeling in hopes that this feels like a truth you need to hear.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

My Supermom Cape is Getting Threadbare

My supermom cape is beginning to feel a little threadbare. I have said from he beginning that having one child at home feels like three. So I’m feeling like I have 6 kids. And as dear as they would be to you when you met them, they are equally as torturous to me.

Small people need to perpetually test their own power, importance, and lovability. They learn their confidence and self-doubt from their parents. In this case, Fiona is going after me to have her doubts assuaged. And that looks like not doing what she’s told, having fits, crying at me, and professing how much she hates being trapped at home with her parents.

I assured her that we are equally having no fun. Yes she’d be doing all of this if she were in school but at least I’d have some time and space to recover from the sieges before the next. But the codependency is constant. And this is the exact reason why I never ever wanted to homeschool my kids. It’s relentless living with the kids. It’s a whole new layer of torture trying to get them to “learn” when you’re the teacher.My Supermom Cape is Getting Threadbare on Shalavee.com

The reason the doctor makes the nurses give the shots is because he doesn’t want to be the bad guy. Worse yet, in order to show her she matters, I have to sit with her through the hour of mind numbing video math homework and ridiculously simple rhyming activities. And if I even try to tech her something unsanctioned by her teacher, she brakes down into a chorus of I can’t that makes me feel like I can’t either.

So to all of the parents that have to deal with this nonsense for another month, my condolences. I know you feel thin in places. Your super-parental cape is tattered. You love your kids but you don’t like them. I get it and this too shall pass.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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