search
top

I Can Cards and Excerpts from my Journal

What could speak louder than the words I say to myself, in private. And it happens that some of those words are in written form in my journal, loud and clear for me to reread. I was struck by gratitude at rereading this excerpt and wanted to share my journal entry here so that you my reader could see what great self-talk sounds like.

I am on the precipice of seeing myself as who I truly am and how that is valuable to the world.”

Releasing my wholehearted story was/is magical. It is the story of creativity vs. anxiety. The magic of rediscovering hope. Of beginning again over and over. Of finding my own truths to live by. Of reparenting and reprioritizing my life and self-expression. Affirming, grounding, and cathartic.”

And I must remember in the end it was me saying yes to the opportunity to prove (or disprove) theories about self. That is an amazing gift that I have denied myself. Except this time. And what I found was that I can put myself to a hard writing task and complete it. I can be edited and not die. I can write well and be truthful. I can put myself to a task and complete it on time, even ahead.”Can Cards and Excerpts from my Journal on Shalavee.com

And armed with this feeling of goodwill toward myself and my abilities, I wrote out some “Can Cards”. Squares within which I wrote all the things I know I can do.

I can write well. I can write with a deadline. I can write, edit, and complete. I can design an event and a window well. I can speak from my heart. I can master computer knowledge. I can design graphics. I can connect with people authentically. I can take and make beautiful pictures. I can ask for help. I can tell my story. I can art anytime I want. I can make friends. I can take time for myself. I can make money. I can parent my children well.

I give you these truths from my heart and my journal so that you may benefit from the understanding that we are ever-changing for the better. And self-trust and self-esteem are within our power to increase for our happier lives. I created all of this from what seemed like an abyss.

If you enjoyed what you read, please subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

What I’m Really Afraid of: Clarity Despite the Carnage

I decided to dive into my clutter mind this morning and sort out all the notes and inspirational Ebooks I had laying around. I want to create some clarity, both mental and visual, out of my clutter and carnage.

Immediately I found I was overwhelmed of course. That would be the regular mode of my creative mind. I collect the ideas and the inspiration but not always knowing exactly how it will apply to my life, I deposit it into a folder for later. And the papers and laters pile up.

What I see going on is this: I drown in my possibilities rendering myself incapacitated and then I forget. This allows me to stay quiet and un-vulnerable because it all seems like too much stuff. And I never come up with a better sorting system so I keep perpetuating the well-intended chaos.What I'm Really Afraid of: Clarity Despite the Carnage on Shalavee.com

This is all surface stuff of course. Because I also found a very honest testament of my truest fear in a Lesson from Anna Lovind’s Creative Doer course titled True Clarity. She asked “What are you afraid would happen if you allowed yourself to go fully for what you truly want? What’s the worst-case scenario?” And this is what I answered:

If I allowed myself to create art, write a book wholeheartedly, I might fail at the one great dream and have no back up dream. I might find out I’m not as good as I think. Or that people are really not that interested. Recognition could be of my talent or my fraudulence. We’ll know if I have what it takes or I have nothing to show for myself and my angst all these years. Total flop. Embarrassment.”What I'm Really Afraid of: Clarity Despite the Carnage on Shalavee.com

Nothing like retro-reading your uncensored fears to see how sad they are. It’s not that I haven’t read and taken notes on all the right things to do to become a success. It’s my paralyzing fear of risking failure and then failing that has kept me tied in disorganized knots ( a shameful fate for a Virgo). I know and yet fear is paralyzing. You need permission to break the invisible barrier and take a step towards the goals.

So I’ve decided to keep these papers in front of me and keep mulling them over until I make sense of what they mean to me now. I want to wade through my overwhelm and sort through all my past thoughts and notations with a new eye from where I am now. And I have a feeling that I will begin to see a new path emerging. Because I really never want to see these papers resurface. I want to move on from my chaos into clarity.

If you enjoyed what you read, please subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Have to Do’s or Else

As I uncover the layers of my neuroses, the anxious scripts that have made me jump and overcompensate for decades, I’ve noticed that there’s always an understood truth at the bottom. An absolute that I am working from that the thought of not attaining makes my anxieties skyrocket. These are my Have to do’s. I’ve been a hostage to these Have to do’s as long as I saw them as absolute truths.

Somehow, I’ve gotten myself programmed to think a myriad of ridiculous thoughts that if I don’t attain or accomplish certain things, it’ll be the death of me (Hello Cognitive Distortions). Except, nothing will necessarily kill me save overworking myself. After much mindfulness, I now recognize my ridiculous thoughts about how I must have my clean house or else…

I have to make them like me or else…

I have to do all the right things by my children or else…Have to dos or else on Shlavee.com

When you are so busy making sure that Or Else doesn’t happen, you never get to do anything that you wanna have happen. Because it’s within those Wanna Do’s that you really are who you are. In my wanna do’s are the things that shine my joy and light back onto me. So I’m paying particular attention to the dissonance when I’m telling myself I have to do anything. And then listening harder for what I want to do. Because it’s in those clues that the truth of being happy lies.

If you enjoyed what you read, please subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

« Previous Entries Next Entries »

top