If you listen to your internal voice, sometimes you may hear yourself use the ” ould” words, should and could. When these words star in my mental dialogue, it’s a sign I’m feeling conflicted whether I am supposed to do something or not. Ould words foreshadow wiggly thoughts.
So I’m sorting out my yard sale stuff in the attic and it occurs to me, any time I say “could”, that is a project of indeterminate limits. As in, I could use this item at a possible future date which is unsure and might happen. And that was a red flag for me to throw it out. Because if it was worth doing, it would already have gotten done.
As for the appearance of the “should“, I was talking with a fellow baby mama about how to dodge the baby blues. And I realized that we’re all trying to do the best by our babies, not always for ourselves, but we’re not letting go of the rest. So when that should pops into our brains, it’s a warning sign of overachieving. I am so tired but I should have all that laundry done before the school bus comes so that I can make dinner for the family to eat well and save money from going out. Shoulda, coulda, woulda.
Yes it would be ideal to be able to clean the house, breast feed to whatever point you believe is socially acceptable to stop, make money with an online shop, or even allow the crazy relatives to hold the baby. But in reality, there’s reality. Sometimes we have to let go of our expectations of ourselves as super achieving, earning powered, proprietary, and fortune-telling adults. Or not. If it doesn’t cause a load of stress for you, keep doing what you’re doing.
We do have choices. Funny how we absolutely believe we don’t. If you don’t think you do, you do a disservice to the women who starved themselves a hundred years ago to earn women the right to vote in The United Stated of America. The suffragettes didn’t stage their peaceful and painful protests to have you now think that you don’t have the power to choose or unchoose your current obligations/situation/choices.
I am all for delegating. Even though we haven’t two dimes to make a campfire with, I hired someone to weed my garden as I sat under the baby watching the weeds grow. And I used my yard sale money to pay to have the house cleaned. I can sit here and write because my bathrooms and floors are clean. My priorities are as they are but my methods were modified.
If you think that Martha Stewart made all her millions by cleaning her floors the right way herself, you’re deluded. She writes the how-to’s all up and hires others to do all her multitudes of tasks at her multiple manses because she can’t do it all. And apparently, you can make even more money when you get others to do it all for you while your selling the lies that claim you do it all. You need money to make money but you need to let go of control too.
Should you let go of unrealistic expectations of your time and mental energy? Yes. Should you say yes to freeing your muddled mind from the little mundane stuff to see a bigger picture where your back doesn’t hurt all the time? Yes. Should you expect yourself to be Super-Mom/Wife/Friend/Co-worker to gain the world’s approval and recognition that your existence is meaningful? That’s up to you. I say, choose something else, even if it’s wrong, and give that way a try. You may find that allowing for help or less achievement in one area (cleaning) may lead to another boost in esteem in another area (writing).
Feel free to tell me any and every thought you have on your shoulds and coulds. And there between us, we may learn something together.
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2 Comments
Oh Shalagh, I have too many “oulds” to count. I think we waste too much time beating ourselves up about them and should (ha!) spend that time doing one darn thing on the list.
Btw, I think the yard sale money for a house cleaning was brilliant!
Yes, see how easy it is to go into that mode. I remember my Mom saying, “Shoulda, coulda, woulda.” She didn’t necessarily practice the sentiment but still it was said. There’s so many choices in a day, as a creative, I can find myself torn and then so dispersed, I’m done before I start. Better planning is what I strive for. As soon as it’s scheduled, I’m chill. Even if it’s not a done deal yet.