My Fear of the Pain and Fearing the Pain Would Stay

There was a lot of physical pain and fear taking up space in my house this year. Both me and my cat were experiencing our own pain and fear nightmares at the beginning of the Summer. And I’ve since really understood how the feeling of pain can manifest into a more fearful outlook on the world. And mess you up.

This Summer was to be the Summer that I took care of myself. I swore in the beginning to follow through with all the procedures I needed to fix the problems with my SI joints and my sinuses as best I could. It took me all Summer and a dozen appointments and I made progress, but I also lived some fear too.

Meanwhile, my poor cat Peewee, who was feral when we found her as a kitten two days after Christmas in 2007 on our back porch, has shade of freak out in her anyway, began to act more weird. She was more skittish and began to pee outside the cat box. I ignored it for a little while as we took our vacation but I knew I needed to wrangle her and take her to the vets. The getting her into a carrier is a dreadful undertaking of sheer strength and will. But once there, the doctor tested her urine and sure enough, she had a Urinary Tract Infection. Well I know these really hurt. And her treatment was antibiotics and some Valium.

In those few days while that cat was on her kitty downers, she was completely different. She was much less freaked out by her surroundings. She was very affectionate and dear. And it had me thinking about the pain as it manifests into fear, it changes your personality. How can you not filter your input and understanding of the world through the pain you feel?

Meanwhile, I was really holding my breath that the new doctor and the subsequent shots I received in my SI joints would ease my pain. My fear of this not happening had me on guard all Summer and so nervous. My expectations were in charge. In the end, I now know I will have to pursue further types of treatment. But the pain isn’t as bad as it was in the beginning, it’s just not gone.  I know what my options are, it’s a matter of following through with them. I’m avoiding a fusion surgery until I have to. But that fear and the pain, it definitely had me making bad choices to numb myself out. A glass too many of wine and less and less exercise (plus sinus surgery had me have a seat for two weeks.)

I consequently lost parts of my confident self with the ongoing pain. I became less me with the pain and the fear. Smaller somehow. I am recovering now. Have adjusted my expectations of what I can expect and what I need to do next. Do your best, let go of the rest.

This issue on a larger scale? You can’t have a population or community feel strong and make a difference if they can’t treat their pain and have hope to be rid of it. I don’t mean self-medicating with narcotics. I mean genuine health care and mental health services. And the population has to feel they deserve to receive it. That their worthy of this care. The healthcare issues are so much more than they seem. While other countries agree to the inherent worth and dignity of their citizens, we’re having some problems with this of late in the US.

The problem is bad enough that people who even have healthcare refuse to use it to take care of themselves because of out-of-pocket costs, our lack of self-worth feels sad. It almost takes an act of Herculean strength to drag yourself out of that place and act as if you were worth the care. But every single living person is worth the care.

My new motto is Que Sera Sera, Whatever will be will be. Enjoy this slightly bumpy ride via YouTube.

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