I wanted it all to be OK but it wasn’t. In my heart, I just knew that everything would never be OK, although I pretended it would. I’d act casual, chirping to people, “it always turned out OK in the end”. Although it actually always did, I wasn’t buying my own line. I just wanted people to think I was.
Seems I’d been missing an important ingredient to my happiness recipe. The ability to separate my emotions from the happenings in my life and the world around me. I secretly didn’t believe that I could handle whatever happened. I pretended I had resilience but my faith in my abilities was non-existent. I had no safety net. Just a multitude of anxieties like rocks to make me sink all the quicker.
But this year, I’m not making everything that happens all about me. Used to be both good and bad reflected my worth and my deserved-ness. Everything bad that happened was the inevitable proof I was bad and unworthy and meant I should quit. The good occasions were just biding the time until the bad happened.
I’m done with that place. I’m done with creating uproar to start the chain reaction that leads to inevitable badness. What started with stressed out then became overwhelmed, I feel bad about me, treat my symptoms, still feel bad about me, and repeat.
Forever ago, the uproar would have been the opportunity to start smoking again. Or get drunk. That is thankfully never a now option. Where I might have gone and had a few drinks that led to a few more drinks and then the smoking, I now choose to talk to my husband, write in my journal, and unload to a therapist. Bad things do happen to good people. But just not as often as they used to.
What changed? My new perception is that I’m allowed to be happy, that I have self-control, that I’ll handle what comes my way, I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again, and not everything everyone does pertains to my worth. In fact a small part of what people are doing pertains to my worth. And those nice reflections, we don’t see those. We swat smiles and compliments out of the air like a buzzing bug.
I am declaring my new life perceptions, choices, and boundaries as better and nicer and more hopeful and mine to create. Feels pretty awesome to know the difference.