This past month, there’s been a shift. I listened hard to what I’m feeling and I heard a different tune. When you practice mindfulness, even knowing that you have the power to change things changes things. And the scared feeling that I uncovered when I committed to change recently didn’t kill me.
I apparently have mastered my stuck so well that I’d be fine living under a rock way longer than it seems necessary or safe. Seems, as long as I never have an end to anything, a deadline or a completionary action, I remain safe under my rock. But recently, I chose to dare and declare I would be willing to make a change. And what I experienced after I rolled the rock from me was sheer panic. Anger and terror.
Even knowing that you have the power to change things
changes things.
As long as I never change things, I never have to have my hopes dashed or be criticized for the job I’ve done. This would be a coping mechanism I’ve had from a long long time ago. It’s called Industrious Over-focused which I wrote about here. Except, it’s outdated coping mode. It’s an auto response that I no longer need if the critical parent I’m afraid of having to deal with is actually now within me!
So the shift now comes from the absolute understanding that the mean voice that I cower from and avoid is my own now. And that I have the power to speak up for my self and say “Thatta Girl! You did a really good job. You Rock!” And all of those kinda things that you would totally say emphatically and energetically to anyone you love to let them know that you love and support them.
I thought today how weird it is to have other people believe in you more than you do.
And that I’ve been on the cusp of deciding if I in fact have my back. To recognize your own inner adult/parent as viable and powerful and existent. That is where the good stuff begins. Are you heading there to join me or already there?
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And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.
2 Comments
Wish I could have read your blog 30 years ago.
I understood from what you write about your nom de plume pieces that you had a hard time owning your talents too. But may I say, you wrote. And you have some amazing people in your camp. Thank you !