Finding Myself and Losing Myself

I’ve been searching for myself again recently. I catch glimpses of me in others’ words and in my blog posts and what I feel. That wax and wain of self knowledge, understanding, and love seems something I should be used to already but I’m not. I often sit back and spend time envying others for their self-certainty.

But I can tell I turned a corner at some point this past winter. After I was medicated and calmer and clearer, I began to see myself. I focused intently on finding my worth in the world. And gradually I began to hear myself say I can. That was truly a breakthrough.

And then a month ago, quiet by surprise, I heard myself say “I love you” when you you do such and such. And I was shocked. And then I relistened and it was sincere. I shared this with a friend and she cried. This is a big deal.

I feel more positive, more capable. I am only pursuing tasks that make me happy and have cut out all the “I have to’s” . I listen daily and don’t overload myself with tasks and Spring feels like it is happening inside me as well as outside me. My relief and gratitude feel palpable and I’m turning back around and reinvesting in the creative endeavors that make me feel the happiest and most fulfilled. My blogging feels like it needs a big dose of respect so this is me giving it back to me and you.

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And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.