We get very comfortable with the way we manage our lives. We think, “This is how things are and this is what I do.” And this can go on way beyond the life management effectiveness expiration date. Wayyyyy beyond. Like that time I was unhappily married and stayed married. Or those jobs that I kept even though I was miserable. But even our day-to-day functioning can be outdated and we’d have no clue.
We are what we do everyday. And for a very long time, I did things based on fear. I did what I did because I was afraid of running out or being without. I kept on doing because I truly didn’t think there was another way, much less a better way. And I kept on thinking the same sad thoughts about what little I deserved so I never updated my expectations and thus my life’s actions.
Until, I began to truly listen to the dishonor and disruption of my thoughts. I can’t always hear exactly what they are specifically but I can hear what they infer. That if I step out or make waves, I will be squashed like a social bug. That being old and overweight is detestable. That I should have already figured all of this out.
All the “can’t” thoughts that make me feel oogy lapping up onto the shore of my psyche like toxic waste. Until I refused to acknowledge them as valid. And then I told myself to stop the cycle. I sat and held my breath and refused to play. And eventually, after this weird space of stubborn almost quiet, it was quiet.
I had stopped my crazy train. I then began to refute, one by one, all my little cants and impossibilities I could. I solved the “there’s nowhere for me to go to create” by making my craft-room cool with a portable air conditioner. I got a babysitter to buy time alone. I read my stuff to see how good I was, and listened to my heart to hear that I was worth the fight to find my happiness. And the waves became calmer and sweeter.
I began to create a space beyond where I’d been. A space for possibilities. A space for irony and paradox. A further space for others to be with me and think what they think which doesn’t affect me. There is a trust zone where I am safe being me pursuing what makes me happy which isn’t being barraged by judgements and negativity. I am regularly checking if I need to flood it with compassion for humanity or usher any unwanted ideologies out.
I’ve created a zone for possibilities. I’ve begun to see that with a little planning and proactivity, my life is so much easier than the knee jerk response pattern of my past. And I am my friend now. And this has become my Easy zone I will fiercely protect.
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