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Pitching the “When I Lose Weight” Clothing

I am still engaged in a lifelong battle against my own body. A perpetual hostage of “when I lose weight”. Most of the past three decades has been spent judging my physical self as under par and trying to fix it (This may also have applied to how I felt about my mind too but we’ll stick to the injustice at hand …and belly and… ). I have been in a perpetual battle of disgust with myself and I am so very tired now. I’d like to call a cease fire. There is no fix for this fixed fight and I will always lose. Especially when I’m not losing the weight I keep thinking I should. But, as I said before, “As long as there’s something to “fix”, it implies brokenness. And I do not want to model this for my buxom red-headed daughter. She’ll have to fight it from the world as it is.” 

I am the gal who always exercises. My blood pressure is grand because I am what I call Fit Fat. Heart is strong and stamina is there. But I don’t get credit for that from myself. Because I am in a constant state of dismay at my extra 10 pounds. I wouldn’t be considered skinny but I have always tortured myself with that assessment. And so my closet is full of clothing that I will wear“When I” lose that 10 pounds. I will be done and perfect and look good. I will stop bullying myself and finally be kind to myself because I lost the weight.Pitching the when I lose weight clothing on Shalavee.com

The problem is that, since I don’t seem to be able to change this about myself, I feel substandard. With my worth perpetually hanging on my crappy opinion, am I doomed to live everyday in disappointment and shame? I’d say yes. I have spoken many times on this subject because apparently, I’m not done with it yet.

I am no longer  keeping a constant count of calories on my Fit Buddy app on my phone. I was sure that I’d be losing weight and doing it all perfectly for a week and then my gut would fill up (as it does due to its extra capacity) or bloating from my monthly menstrual cycle. And I am reliving my lifetimes of disappointment and hopelessness and incorporating horror into my basic self-care of eating and living. I am tired of this constant control. I need a vacation I told myself and so now I am on a holiday where my bodily self-loathing is concerned.Pitching the when I lose weight clothing on Shalavee.com

I’ve begun to buy clothing that hides a little more while looking sheikh. I’m going back into my closet and yanking the “When I” clothing. If mindful living is about living in the present then I chose this moment in this body as I must because it’s my only choice. Until I’m OK with where I am at this exact moment, I will not move from this spot. Ever.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter orPinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

I May Still Be a Runner Yet

A while back, I wrote a post titled, I’m No Longer a Runner. I bemoaned the fact that my apparent SI joint malformation was increasing in pain and that it may stop me cold from doing the one thing that had always been my happy exercise: running. Because when we are faced with chronic pain, we think we have to give up hope. We begin to compromise and make due and tell ourselves there are other ways we can be happy. Never an excuse to stop following the breadcrumbs to our wellness but it slows us down with the not knowing.

I am happy to say that I am running again. The steroid injections eventually helped, although it seemed like a long time for them to kick in. I can take Ibuprofen and go for a run/walk and my affected joint only aches. I can totally settle for that because these early Summer days are exquisite and all I want to do is go running and huff the heady lemony scent of magnolias in bloom.I may still be a runner yet on Shalavee.com

I think sometimes we get to worrying and apprehending the future, especially if it includes pain, and we try to come up with solutions that if we were to buy, would solve all the dissonance. If I didn’t want to be a runner, than not running would be fine. Except it isn’t, because in my heart of hearts, I am still a runner. I love the breeze and the smells. The rhythm and honesty of it. And I love that I trust myself to just start and stop and go where I want. Running is such a longstanding part of me that I hope I can keep doing it for a long time.

If you enjoyed what you read, please subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Mending My Body

Before launching into one of his tales, my husband always says,”Stop me if I’ve told you this one before”. Of course you wouldn’t be rude enough to do that. I’m the only one that would. But I do think I have a tendency to hesitate telling you about myself sometimes as if you’ll tire of “that same old story” especially when I’m whining about my body.

I’ve found, however, that some stories are worth telling over and over if it allows for others to give themselves permission to help themselves or feel like they’re not alone. So this is my current story.

I am fighting the good fight next round of finding the right doctors, attending the doctor’s appointments, scheduling procedures, and getting through the procedures. Oy is it a battle! And yet, at the end, I have told myself that I am valuable enough as a human being to take care of.

I have finally gotten another set of bilateral corticosteroid shots to my sacroiliac (SI) joints where the spine, or sacrum, attaches to the hips. I am awaiting a follow-up doctor’s appointment but have not experienced complete pain relief all the time. I can get two more sets of shots before I have to wait 6 more months. If this ceases to be affective, my next choice would be a fusion surgery. We’re hoping that will be unnecessary for a long time. mending my body on Shalavee.com

I am now on a countdown for a sinus surgery that essentially should have been done years ago. It seems that a deviated septum is to blame for my chronic sinusitis and subsequent failure (twice) of the antibiotic augmentin. So essentially, I am having my nose roto-routered. It’s kinda hard not to be anticipatory of this sort of thing. And being unable to take Ibuprofen ten days prior to the surgery is messing with me as my SI joint responds best to that medication.

What I’d like to say is that, “It is what it is until it isn’t anymore”. And soon this will all be a nightmare. In other words, I’ve got my sights set to the future and the Fall when my fall allergies won’t create yet another sinus infection. And I can go running outside again. These are respectable goals.mending my body on Shalavee.com

I hope that me telling you all of this, you can see that taking care of whatever ails or hurts you is such a big deal in feeling like a whole happy person. You’d never deny a child the medical treatment they would need so why do adults do it all the time to themselves?

Follow the breadcrumbs to your wellness.

Anyone have something their putting off taking care of?

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest  too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Electrolysis, One of My Best Decisions Ever

Back when I had the shop and had my first baby, I had a discussion with one of my valued customers about electrolysis. This is the process of permanently having unwanted hair removed from you body by way of a teensy needle with a teeny bit of electricity. And I absolutely believed this woman when she told me this treatment worked for her completely.

I contend that hormones are the cause of most of the world problems as they certainly are the cause of many of mine. Post pregnancy hormones did all sorts of tricks on my body and one of them was growing a beard. A neat row of hairs right along my jaw bone like a little Italian lady with a few rogue dark ones on my lip for flair.

When I quit smoking, I devised a master plan of self-care to end all master plans. I took the money that I saved up from all the unsmoked cigarettes and I took myself to see an Electrologist in Easton, Maryland. I even did some research into laser hair removal but that woman said my hair wasn’t dark enough for that procedure.

The cost of the Electrolysis was $30 for a half hour session. The area was numbed so there wasn’t much pain. The woman explained to me that it’s good to try to catch the hair at a certain phase during it’s growth. No matter when I went, I found the treatment just worked.

I returned regularly, maybe bi-weekly for probably 6 months. And I can not tell you what an ever-loving relief it was to have that done.

No more fretting and tweezing and grazing at my face with the tweezers or fingernails to yank the offending intruders when I suddenly discovered their splintery presence in my face. She explained that when you shave them, they grow back and waxing wouldn’t potentially banish the unwanted dastardly follicles forever. So the electrolysis option was truly my only hope. And I was so happy when this worked.

I received the electrolysis about 7 years ago. And only recently, after a second child, did I notice another offending hair or two in my face in need of permanent removal. Of course, besides the coarse thick ones, there’s also the really long light-colored ones to now look out for. Old lady hormones cause these. And I say, why try to remove and do all this with my failing eyesight. Instead, I want to revisit the electrolysis table for a few tune-up zaps and be on my merry way.

Here’s the place to find the Electrologists in your State. And here’s a page of the most frequently asked questions on Electrolosis. Interview the practitioner to make sure you understand the exact steps of the procedure and see if you can stand their personality. Perhaps ask to speak with one of their satisfied customers. If they refuse to be helpful, they are not the practitioner for you. And I’d say that goes for any wellness professional.

Electrolysis was one of the best self-care choices I have made. It was well worth the minor cost for the major relief of not having to feel self-conscious anymore. And I’m sharing this because if you need permission to do this, I want you to take a fistful of it from me. And please don’t hesitate to ask me anything or converse with me in private if you’d like.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter orPinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Hey 19 : My Younger Body

I wrote a piece a little while back about my First Time. Yes, that first time ergo the capitals. The resulting response, especially from former boyfriends, was fascinating. As a young woman, I raged against the objectification of my body while simultaneously basing my self-esteem and power on the way I looked. Yet I can tell you, I have never thought that my body was anything to be that proud of. And I honestly can’t ever remember saying “I’m beautiful” or the word “enough” when it came to my body image.Hey 19 August 1985 Nags Head on Shalavee.com

Here I am perusing these images of my younger body thinking, what a daggone shame I couldn’t see how very lovely I was. Always adoring other bodies as “better”. Always in need of some improvement from tanner skin to less to pinch to whiter straighter teeth.

My fellow blogger and friend Heather Serody wrote in this post on her blog Big Girl Life, after a steady daily ritual of losing weight with exercise and eating right, she said she needed to go ahead and kill her weight ghost. She said she had arrived at a new norm for her expectations of her daily life style as being healthy, yes…BUT she goes on to say, “Until very recently (try last month) I always believed that despite any other efforts I was making towards being healthy, … I should ALSO be the weight I was in high school.” She concludes that she was imprisoned by a “success or failure mentality for decades”. She went and wrote that “ideal” weight down on a piece of paper and burned it ceremoniously. The ghost was killed.Hey 19 August 1985 Nags Head on Shalavee.com

Her takeaway was this. “Allowing the past to dictate my relative success or failure in the present time is nothing more than chasing a part of yourself that no longer exists…The culture of staying active and strong, when it gets implanted deep into who you are, frees you from all or nothing thinking. The big goal is to live an active life, eat healthy, and try to squeeze every drop of joy from living that truth.” Amen sister.Hey 19 August 1985 Nags Head on Shalavee.com

I will never be the weight I was when I was here at 19 or 25 or even possibly 30 again. I am resolved that the spastic little gal I was who smoked and was the energizer bunny waitress for all those years won’t be resurrected. And that’s fine by me. I’m making progress using the My Fitness Pal app and have already hit my pre-baby size 12. I can fit into my clothing again and that’s amazing. And I can proudly say that my heart, the one muscle that needs to be in shape with weekly exercise, is healthy and strong.  Hey 19 August 1985 Nags Head on Shalavee.com

Now is the time to make sure my head is also in the most beautiful shape it can be after so many years of low self-esteem. Seeing these lovely pictures of my teenage self has brought a new compassion for myself and all the young women of America who have fallen prey to the media’s self-image cruelty. And I killed my weight ghost as soon as I read Heather’s piece last November. Living in the now and being grateful for it is the gift I want to continue to give myself for the rest of my life.

How do you hold yourself hostage? If only I’d… If I could just… When I get to this point, I’ll …

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