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I Refuse to Feel Ashamed

I spent all last year in an “unhappy with my body” place. I could not accept that I had gained back weight I had previously lost, even though I had given myself permission to eat with gleeful abandon for the Holidays prior. And so I struggled with my esteem, my exercise routine, and my eating and drinking all through the year. But mostly, I silently hated myself for no longer fitting into my clothing and having to buy a new wardrobe of leggings and over-sized shirts.

This year, I chose to give myself the same permission during the holidays to enjoy myself. And of course, I already had the stretchy wardrobe so whatever. And I knew I’d expanded that much more afterwards. However this year, based on my word “And”, I decided I was to give myself permission to be where I am and to work towards the change that I would be proud of.

Shame can be one feeling that keeps us stuck. We feel ashamed of our bodies, our socioeconomic class, our families, and our homes. We have images in our minds of how “normal” people should live and look and act and anything detouring from that image makes us fear disapproval and feel shame. But this is such crap. 

So I decided to take my burgeoning body to the gym in my too tight clothing and just not choose to feel ashamed. After all, I’m there right? I’m in the classes keeping up with everyone so therefore, why would I feel ashamed. And it’s my opinion that anyone that would wish me to feel shame is truly an unkind frightened person themselves. I bring a smile and a laugh to the classes and that is a blessing to all of us.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Another Day, Another Sinus Infection

I have what is termed chronic sinusitis. A have a whopping good amount of allergies. When that got added to an undiagnosed deviated septum which only got operated on not two years ago,  I suffered numerous sinus infections in a year. When it’s really bad, it feels like I have dirt packed into my forehead. And I can hear the little bacterium multiplying as a clicking noise in my face.

Years later, I’m receiving weekly allergy shots and, even though I get way less infections in a year, I always feel a little scared when I get one because multiple antibiotics have failed on me. Imagine, if you get to the doctor’s office after you already start hurting, it still takes two days for the antibiotic to kick in. And imagine there’s a weekend stuck in there and then you call the doctor’s office back to let them know it’s not working and they never get back to you. That was my story this year.

I have had this sinus infection for almost three weeks (which doesn’t top the one I had from Thanksgiving to Valentine’s Day one year). I’ve had two antibiotics fail on me which I will make double darn sure are noted in my chart. And when I visited the doctor’s office in person for the second day in a row, I got an unexpected surprise:

An Apology from the office manager.Another Yer, another sinus infection on Shalavee.com

I got a new prescription on the spot for the antibiotic that I knew would work. Everyone was was mortified. I assured them that I was used to this and that I wasn’t mad, just looking froward to not having a sinus headache.

I get to the point where I think it’s my problem. Like I’m doing something wrong. Am I a hypochondriac? No, that pain means something. I was so proud of myself for continuing to advocate for myself as I fell through their system’s cracks. And that we all proved human after all was such a relief. A further snaffu with an order for a mammogram was straightened out and I have my booby squashing to look forward to too.

I have always been an advocate for my physical and mental health. I understand my body now so much better than I ever did. And I chose recently to change my primary care doctor because I would like a woman as I move into my menopausal years. I have committed to always following the breadcrumbs to my wellness. No one else cares or is as affected by it as much as me. Except maybe my family as they suffer when I suffer.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Occupying Your Body

Having gone to every doctor to have every pain checked out, I finally was comfortable with reengaging in some true working out at the YMCA. I have been taking a weight-lifting class to tone up my belly as well as my upper body. And I have noticed an interesting shift in how I feel inside my body.

When I stopped running and was going through getting my aches taken care of, the pains made me scared. I feared what it meant or how bad it was, and that sort of thing makes you avoid doing things that would cause any more pain. Problem with that is that the pounds pile on an immobile butt quickly. And the extra weight just causes more problems.

After knowing I wasn’t going to hurt myself anymore, I began to commit to many reps but low weights. My muscles began to tone up. Whereas before I was moving my body mass around avoiding the pain, I now occupy my body and can feel it moving. I am holding myself strong and tall and proudly.

If I am stuck with this body for the rest of my life, there are a few things that I want to make sure I can do for the duration. Stand tall, squat over a toilet, and not pee my pants. Each of these endeavors requires certain exercises that very quickly create the strong body you want. I feel like we should all be proud of ourselves for the way we take care of us. And this will keep us happy and independent just that much longer.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Oh Universe, What Would You Have Me Do?

We mistrust ourselves so much, we have to hand much of our decision making over to another power. We create elaborate ways to make decisions. Drop a divining line down and see which way it swings to decide (dowsing pendulum). Pick your arm up and drop it to see if you should eat it (applied kinesiology). Because it’s awfully hard admitting that you have no faith in your own decisions and easier to give it over to something else. The exception being God. But most of us are faithless and frenetic.

The Drowning man story is the best story ever which humorlessly depicts how our lack of sight and faith keeps us from seeing the divine signs sent to us.

A fellow was stuck on his rooftop in a flood. He was praying to God for help.

Soon a man in a rowboat came by and the fellow shouted to the man on the roof, “Jump in, I can save you.”

The stranded fellow shouted back, “No, it’s OK, I’m praying to God and he is going to save me.”

So the rowboat went on.

Then a motorboat came by. “The fellow in the motorboat shouted, “Jump in, I can save you.”

To this the stranded man said, “No thanks, I’m praying to God and he is going to save me. I have faith.”

So the motorboat went on.

Then a helicopter came by and the pilot shouted down, “Grab this rope and I will lift you to safety.”

To this the stranded man again replied, “No thanks, I’m praying to God and he is going to save me. I have faith.”

So the helicopter reluctantly flew away.

Soon the water rose above the rooftop and the man drowned. He went to Heaven. He finally got his chance to discuss this whole situation with God, at which point he exclaimed, “I had faith in you but you didn’t save me, you let me drown. I don’t understand why!”

To this God replied, “I sent you a rowboat and a motorboat and a helicopter, what more did you expect?”

We are given so much and yet our brains don’t see what we’ve got but rather focus on what we don’t have.

Meditation and yoga are ways to reach our larger calmer parental minds, the voices we could trust to make decisions for us. But these processes are not a “one time and done” kinda thing. They require discipline and time and pain. Modern Americans have no time for any of these. And in essence, were not really worth it.Oh Universe, What Would You Have Me Do?

The beautiful thing about being young is that you are told what to do. You resent every little syllable you had to obey but when you find yourself without the direction, you may end up asking the Universe what it may want of you? And it may be super hard to find that first answer. But that is where I am right now.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

What 2018 Taught Me

I felt like I was making great strides in growing myself last year, 2018. I was feeling more sure of what my creativity was giving me both personally and perhaps professionally. I offered up a Wholehearted Living piece to a writer friend’s blog. And I started to create my own theory on the inverse relationship of creativity and anxiety. I felt a rhythm was coming.

And then I suffered an anxiety setback that set me reeling. I abandoned my aspirations and hunkered down to ride out the storm. And I took myself to the doctor’s and asked for medicinal help. Because pain is your body telling you that it needs help.What 2018 Taught Me on Shalavee.com

Why had I waited so long, I asked the doctor. He said “Stigma”. I had made it my goal trying to prove that anxiety can be conquered by therapy and creativity. And I was admitting I was wrong. I felt defeated and yet, once I had the medication cooking, I felt the hope of perhaps finally moving from a stuck place. And 9 months later, I was right. I have grieved my ego loss and moved on to what was beyond. Possibilities don’t feel like burdens of tasks I’m unable to do but rather hopes for a fun future.

Last year taught me that you have to do whatever it takes to take care of yourself. You have to ask for help and sometimes, give up and do something different. And you are the only one who can make the best decisions for you. Even if those decisions are hard to make. Because I think the hardest part of making a decision is making the decision. After that it’s just following through and seeing what happens next.What 2018 Taught Me on Shalavee.com

My wish for 2018 for myself was for perspective, safety, joy, inspiration, value, chances, strength, hope, and comfort. And “to live within my creative zone often enough to keep me joyful, true to myself, and to be able to appreciate this action and the interaction with my fellow people who know the truth of me.” I’d say that I fulfilled most of those intentions and then some last year. I feel creatively satiated and held by a growing community and I am trusting that I will take care of me in the coming years.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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