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Currently Browsing: Self-Discovery

Finding my Way out of the Grief Maze

I’d tell you to stop me if you’ve heard this but you probably have heard it and I certainly can’t stop repeating myself. In my post Re-Being Me, I mentioned how I feel like I’m just now coming back from my post tail spin turned time out when I took a seat, dialed it all down, and listened. I’m still listening and now I’m starting to hear hope.

These are the thoughts that are different than the same old ones that tell me I’m not worth it. I’m listening for a way of of this maze in my mind that keeps me feeling like a rat in someone’s fear test.

The opposite of feeling fear is feeling self-trust. Today I laughed out loud when I thought, “no wonder I didn’t trust myself for a while. My behavior that started this landslide in November was unreliable”. Duh. But my child isn’t trusting my child. Where’s my adult in this equation ? Doesn’t she know she’s in charge?

Finding my Way out of the Grief Maze on Shalavee.com

I haven’t felt I had a good footing on what I am happy to offer and what I want to work on until recently. But what I have begun to feel is a hope bubble forming. A space where I am beginning to want things again. A place where the what ifs are beginning to bloom.

Grief, if that is what I went through, takes time and a lot of energy to process. Sorting out the truth of the tale from the falsehoods and letting go of what feels wrong and doesn’t serve me is what I think I’ve been doing. It takes as long as it takes and I am glad to be going through this with the kindness and compassion of so many friends and witnesses here online and at home. Thank You if you’re still reading .

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

A Shame about the Gain

I woke up this morning in a mad at myself mood. I felt shame. I felt shame about my shame. Today was the day that I was going to cancel my Weight Watchers subscription. Because I would have been doing it for 2 months and lost my holiday weight. The weight ‘d allowed myself to gain because I knew I could do Weight Watchers! But I’m the one who gained weight on Weight Watchers!


Yup. 


So sick of being sick of myself. I feel ashamed because I don’t want my body to define me. I want body neutrality. That place where I forget to judge myself for this old lady body I’m suddenly walking around in.

sham about the gain on Shalavee.com


I cringe to write this. I’ve been here before. The struggle to live where we are while allowing for the change is ever present. Except we can’t move unless we accept where we are. 


I have spent a lifetime of giving up on myself. So I decided to not cancel the subscription, ie. give up, and keep going. It is my fear of change and lack that keeps me from succeeding. I have a few updated tactics like “don’t act like I can go off my point count on the weekends”. And “do more core strengthening exercises weekly”. And find someone to be accountable to.


Everybody hates to hear a sad story. In this case the non-losing losing story. We want a winning story! But I also believe that self-compassion and authenticity are the only way to banish our shame. So I hand this all to you because my humanity is worth forgiving. And I’ma gonna keep on being me no matter how imperfectly I do it.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

How Do you Tell the Difference?

How do you tell the difference between being who you are and being who you think you should be? We have been us for so long that even when it’s wrong, it feels sort of right. When I strive for goals that seem like they should be mine and then feel hollow when I achieve them, what is that? Developing this self-perspective and understanding and trust of my feelings is daunting.

I am at a precipice, a crossroads of self-development. I have a set of goals to achieve that I think I want, or that I think I should want. And in the light of all the promise and achievement, I think I should be experiencing, my life is a failure. Except, I don’t think that. And yet I do continue to think I need to do certain things to claim legitimization. So it devalues my now and makes the future better than my now?

How Do you Tell the Difference? on shalavee.com

I would like to try to accomplish all these things that I think I should so I can stop feeling like I’m being held hostage. I have proven recently that I can do many hard things. And I also know that learning what I don’t want to do is just as important as knowing what you do. And discovering that what you’ve been putting of is easy unnerving but sill satisfying.

I guess the only way to tell the difference between authentic want and doing it for the shoulds is to do it all and see how it feels? I feel my hope springs eternal, my compassion rounds me out and brings me home to face myself again. I hope this year I lead myself into a place that will bring me joy and not shame. And feel proud of the risk it took to shoe through

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

The Truest You is in the Next Thing You Do

Ah smart girl, you long to fulfill your earthly purpose, to prove you have a right to exist. If you could just validate your life with just the right choices, it would all make sense again. But you no longer know yourself and you feel more and more lost. I get it.

Repeat after me. “I am worth my effort. I am valid even when I do nothing. I am my reason why and nothing else will matter until that does. I will honor my precious existence and ask the Universal Mother to show me my very next step. And then I will devote myself to me and that step until it is done.”

The truest you is in the next thing you do on Shalavee.com

I will never “get it right”. There is always my messy humanity laying around detracting from that perfection we seek. So I surrender to just today. To just that one effort that will lead to the next truest act of me being me. It is not a lot to ask and it is all I can do. I just wrote this, didn’t I ?

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Knowing Myself Will Connect Me To You

It continuously occurs to me that the better I know myself, the better I can understand my value to the world and to you whoever you might be. When I connect with me I can connect with you. And becoming myself is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.

Knowing Myself Will Connect Me To You on Shalavee.com

I envy those people (all except the narcissists) for knowing what they are and the strengths that they bring to what they do in their lives. What a gift to have such confidence in what you are, your strengths, your gifts, and your purpose. No, not everyone has this.

Some, like me, grew up with hazy mirrors reflecting back their self-worth. Or no mirrors. And it can be very difficult to build something when you don’t have a recipe or a plan for it. Why would you even try or know where to begin?

Becoming myself is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.

We had a little old cat who was skittish and had never been petted. Until one day I snuck a pet in. And she liked it. A lot. It took her 15 years to find out how great affection was. And then she was a pet junkie. How do you know something even exists unless you have felt it? Same with self-esteem. 

Knowing Myself Will Connect Me To You on Shalavee.com

Building self-esteem is like building something from air sometimes. You take it on faith that you need to build self-esteem and that it will work if you keep working it but it’s an act of faith. Without the faith you’re worth it,  you’re not. See? Your actions prove your value but your value isn’t there yet. What I have noticed recently is that the surer I feel about myself, the easier it is to speak with others. I come from a place of knowing and this brings me ease. And I am all about the ease.

I don’t doubt my need for self-esteem building so that I may understand my weight and purpose in this world. Knowing and fulfilling my value to my fellow humans is one of the most important tasks/jobs I will ever have. And so I fight ever onward in the invisible storm of developing myself.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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