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Visibility and Vulnerability

As a person who has an online presence and blog, I’ve taken and watched these workshops led by the leading successors in the field of online leadership. Online marketing guru Seth Godin knows what it takes to succeed online and it’s formulaic. I took notes, screenshots, and saved it all in my head. But there’s always something missing for me and it’s been bugging me. Why can some people just roll on and demand the attention and achieve the success unapologetically while the rest of us have our feet stuck in the mud and our mouths open in shock. Vulnerability isn’t that easy.

After a few more years of reading, challenges, and listening to what I write, I think I may have a clue. It’s about apples and oranges, men and women. About societal programming and unfairly comparing myself to others.Vulnerability and Visibility on Shalavee.com

First, Brene Brown’s brilliant work on vulnerability brought me an understanding of how we are all hard-wired for connection with other humans which makes our number one fear, disconnection and the rejection that leads to it. I recognized how many of my fears were coming from a fear of being rejected and outcast. I’ve lived this rejection and it’s very painful. I’ve internalized this rejection and visited it upon myself. In rejecting my true self daily, it’s not a stretch to imagine others rejecting me.  So, vulnerability and the truth equates to death by ostracization.

Secondly, as women, we are programmed to be “good girls” doing what’s expected. We get good grades, act nice, and conform to the norm. We keep our visibility to a minimum because being out loud and truthful about ourselves and our desires is in direct conflict with being good and doing what’s expected. A self-created prison surely. And it shackles us. It’s just another nail in the lid of our silence.Vulnerability and Visibility on Shalavee.com

I know that when children became part of my life soup, their care became so primary, I somehow knew I was supposed to subjugate my needs for theirs. Their survival meant I was secondary. That makes no sense and, yet, it was basically understood. It was part of that good programming. Because their survival depends on me being accepted.

Men are driven to succeed. Numbers and winning and proving something. If you aren’t worried about being scarlet lettered for your outrageousness or being the one responsible for the lives of the children, family, or the elderly, you can be bold. If your needs are primary, you can be vulnerable. But somehow innately, there’s a nonsensical message that says you need men and the world to like you to survive. Do not upset the apple cart and everybody lives.Vulnerability and Visibility on Shalavee.com

I’ve come to understand that being truthful to myself and the world makes me invincible. That it allows for others to have permission to tell the truth. That it models authenticity to our children.  But those old scripts are embedded like weeds with enormous roots in our soul gardens. And as I see the patterns, I am shifting, renovating, rewriting, and weeding my life so that I can be free to roam out in the sunshine instead of hiding in a dark cave. I know that each person has their own path they need to follow to their truest self. Only I can define what that is. 

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest  too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

My Fear of the Pain and Fearing the Pain Would Stay

There was a lot of physical pain and fear taking up space in my house this year. Both me and my cat were experiencing our own pain and fear nightmares at the beginning of the Summer. And I’ve since really understood how the feeling of pain can manifest into a more fearful outlook on the world. And mess you up.

This Summer was to be the Summer that I took care of myself. I swore in the beginning to follow through with all the procedures I needed to fix the problems with my SI joints and my sinuses as best I could. It took me all Summer and a dozen appointments and I made progress, but I also lived some fear too.The Fear and the Pain on Shalavee.com

Meanwhile, my poor cat Peewee, who was feral when we found her as a kitten two days after Christmas in 2007 on our back porch, has shade of freak out in her anyway, began to act more weird. She was more skittish and began to pee outside the cat box. I ignored it for a little while as we took our vacation but I knew I needed to wrangle her and take her to the vets. The getting her into a carrier is a dreadful undertaking of sheer strength and will. But once there, the doctor tested her urine and sure enough, she had a Urinary Tract Infection. Well I know these really hurt. And her treatment was antibiotics and some Valium.

In those few days while that cat was on her kitty downers, she was completely different. She was much less freaked out by her surroundings. She was very affectionate and dear. And it had me thinking about the pain as it manifests into fear, it changes your personality. How can you not filter your input and understanding of the world through the pain you feel?The Fear and the Pain on Shalavee.com

Meanwhile, I was really holding my breath that the new doctor and the subsequent shots I received in my SI joints would ease my pain. My fear of this not happening had me on guard all Summer and so nervous. My expectations were in charge. In the end, I now know I will have to pursue further types of treatment. But the pain isn’t as bad as it was in the beginning, it’s just not gone.  I know what my options are, it’s a matter of following through with them. I’m avoiding a fusion surgery until I have to. But that fear and the pain, it definitely had me making bad choices to numb myself out. A glass too many of wine and less and less exercise (plus sinus surgery had me have a seat for two weeks.)

I consequently lost parts of my confident self with the ongoing pain. I became less me with the pain and the fear. Smaller somehow. I am recovering now. Have adjusted my expectations of what I can expect and what I need to do next. Do your best, let go of the rest.The Fear and the Pain on Shalavee.com

This issue on a larger scale? You can’t have a population or community feel strong and make a difference if they can’t treat their pain and have hope to be rid of it. I don’t mean self-medicating with narcotics. I mean genuine health care and mental health services. And the population has to feel they deserve to receive it. That their worthy of this care. The healthcare issues are so much more than they seem. While other countries agree to the inherent worth and dignity of their citizens, we’re having some problems with this of late in the US.

The problem is bad enough that people who even have healthcare refuse to use it to take care of themselves because of out-of-pocket costs, our lack of self-worth feels sad. It almost takes an act of Herculean strength to drag yourself out of that place and act as if you were worth the care. But every single living person is worth the care.

My new motto is Que Sera Sera, Whatever will be will be. Enjoy this slightly bumpy ride via YouTube.

 

 

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

 

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Living the Freelance Family Life

My freelance family life is a little unconventional. When my husband’s full-time job disappeared less than 10 years ago, he went freelance. And this is still not an understood way of life. The days of trusting the corporation to take care of the family through pensions and retirement are long gone, vanished with the unions and plowed down by corporate trading less than 30 years ago. Yet freelancers are still regarded as oddballs without a 9 – 5 lifestyle.

Freelance means that my husband has multiple sources of income. He accepts jobs and works them. He brings his own tools and makes his own schedule and payment arrives according to the agreed upon contracts with the contractors. We pay for our (unpaid) vacations and we worry about our workers comp . We have to save for our retirement. We pay our taxes plus those that the employer would have paid. When we can’t pay our taxes, even after throwing as many deductibles into the mix as we can, we just plain owe. Living the Freelance Family Life on Shalavee.com

And we pay our own healthcare, or not depending on if we qualify for state assistance. We use a different line on our tax forms when determining what sliding scale fee we need to pay at the Y or to determine our eligibility for State paid healthcare. When I discovered we were eligible for the State insurance, our first reaction was happy. No more $500 healthcare bills ! But my husband had to relinquish his primary care physician who did not take that insurance and we felt the pinch of having privilege stripped.

The upside to being freelance would be that you can create your own schedule. My husband can help me out on days when he would otherwise be working. It also means that he has to be available at the drop of a hat. He truly enjoys the challenges of the different opportunities and the camaraderie of working with other freelancers. It’s a creative way of living and it’s what we know now.Living the Freelance Family Life on Shalavee.com

There’s a sleazy trend for employers to call their employees freelance when they’re truly not responsible for the what, when, and where of the job. By denoting them as self-employed and refusing to give employees full-time hours, the employees must pay their own taxes and healthcare. It’s a loophole that is being obscenely stretched. There are lawsuits beginning, workers are fighting the companies who are taking advantage of their employees’ fears. My husband is currently represented in a civil suit against the government for just this.

The world is based on a capitalistic system. And as long as greed is present in man’s heart, everyone must fight for their own justice and fair treatment in their workplaces. Our family would not say no to the right full-time job were it to come along for my husband. But until then, we just have to keep the faith that the freelance jobs opportunities keep presenting themselves and that the company he started to supplement those opportunities continues to grow. As my husband says, “You’re only as good as your last gig.”

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter orPinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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Perspective Saves You From Feeling Sucky and Unlucky

During the first week of school, Eamon’s teacher told the class that Bullies don’t know, or care,  that you are very important to someone in your life. You are just not too important to the bully, who in turn wishes those people in his/her life who supposedly love him/her would act like it. It’s your perspective of your worth that can stop the bully from coming after you. You matter whether you recognize it or not.

People are mean to one another. Empathy and compassion are missing in many places, in many people. And that’s where we need to fill it in for ourselves. Yes we need others to care for us and take care of us. We desperately need to matter to the world and let those people whose job it is to help us take care of us. Besides parents, these can include health service people, police, and government employees. But even when you are out asking for the help, sometimes their own life problems get in the way of helping you through and you feel your worth get consumed by the system. And you may be left wondering WTF? They never called you back from the doctor’s office or the budget billing got screwed up. Your check honestly  got lost or the coupon expired while you weren’t looking. It’s not fair but it’s not personal.perspective will save you from a sucky sentence on Shalavee.com

Here’s the trick. Their reactions and non-reactions don’t have anything to do with you. Just as it’s so hard not to interpret the bully’s actions as a reflection of you, it’s also hard not to see the system dropping you on the floor as meaning you are not worthy of support. But you are worthy of it. Because innately we know everyone is worthy. And your opinion here is the only one that matters, the only one you will believe in the end. How will you reassess the situation to see your benefits, your options, and gain your perspective on your worth?perspective will save you from a sucky sentence on Shalavee.com

So when you start looking for more signs that you suck, please stop. It all depends on which way your mind wants to tell the story. If you knew that the bully got beaten by his Dad everyday, would you feel differently. Or that the government tax person or nurse that messed your paperwork up have children who are dying or drunks, would you feel differently? There’s too much mind reading going on that has you as downtrodden persecuted heroine. Perhaps that story needs to be rewritten. No one cares as much about you as you can today.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter orPinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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The Opposite of Scarcity is Enough

I can hear myself saying more more more, not enough. The house is never clean enough, fixed enough, or redecorated enough. My body is not thin or young or tan enough. My efforts to succeed as a writer, blogger, online maker are not ever enough. And so every day I come up short and scared. If I am not enough, I am plain afraid you’ll find out.

I have lived my life at a deficit for years. All of those thoughts have been real and gone through my head. The standards by which I am comparing myself to are randomly based on an American ideal. The successful outcome will guarantee my happiness for the rest of my life. Except it will be the rest of my life I squander being unhappily fearfully not enough. Enough is the opposite of scarcity on Shalavee.com

I certainly come from a fearful scarcity mindset. Like the Great Depression settled into my family’s bones, it is a ghost in my nursery that I can’t shake. Always be ready for the worst. Hold tightly to what you’ve got. “You will always never have enough and knowing that will keep you wise” kinda stuff. I spoke of this phenomenon a year ago and The Unqualified Enoughs are a cruel trap no one should have to endure.

But while I live that anxious lifestyle, I’m missing moments just to relax with my world, my children, my bounty, my luck, and appreciate it. I can not see what’s in front of me for searching the future for more. If I am to stop living the anxiety riddled life of scarcity, I’m going to have to refocus my lens on my today. And it’s going to have to be enough. Enough is the opposite of scarcity on Shalavee.com

Fierce gratitude is necessary to accomplish this I think. Thank your maker, your world, and everyone in it for everything. Give thanks at your meals for the food that passed through all those hands to get to you. Be thankful for the trees that give you air to breath. Be thankful to your parents and your grandparents for getting frisky and begetting you so that you could have your own beautiful children. And write it all down everyday until you really start to know that you have enough every day. And then start looking to put more love and light and wonder in your life. Because that’s where the abundance enters the picture. Or maybe just the Enough for now feeling. I’m good with that.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter orPinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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