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Two Weeks After the Emotional Fallout

It’s been two weeks since the anxiety episode that hijacked my heart and silenced my soul. It wasn’t a panic attack, it was just a crisis of confidence. I’ve had these before. And after I took myself to the doctor’s to ask for some pharmaceutical help and did all the various and assorted self-care activities I could, I’ve just been sitting back and taking it easy. Listening to and watching what my inner-self needs. Not overtaxing myself with have tos but asking what I want to do instead.

Perspective is always a good friend if you allow it to come in and stand with you as time passes. And what I realized was that I have been telling myself a story about how OK I was when I wasn’t. I was passing myself as “doing great” when I wasn’t always doing great. I was so frustrated because I feel like I’ve made a lot of progress in fighting my anxieties and having this spell felt like I’d never gotten anywhere.Two Weeks After the Emotional Fallout on Shalavee.com

Again, another cognitive distortion. I self-sabotaged some major progress by expecting myself to be all in, there already, safe and confident on a high platform away from the fear lions. And there was no voice loud enough to shout me in from the doubt storm as it spiraled out of control shaking me with doubt and grief and shame. “Why do I even try? I put myself in harm’s way. I am a fraud.”

It’s two weeks later, and although I no longer feel like a fraud, I’m still trying to find my footing. My therapist is my own personal wonder woman handing me perspective and tools. And she asked me “What’s your Purpose?”. I said,”I Dunno”. So we’re starting there.

Stuff certainly happens. Regularly. And it’s always up to us to translate what it means, to tell our own story about where we are and what we need to do next. I wanted to run away from all my aspirations. But I let myself sit and watch and what I think I’ve done is blow some unreal expectations out of the water and made room for some compassionate wisdom instead.

I’m just letting go of what doesn’t serve me presently and caring for myself through this fallout. I feel the numbness subsiding and the hope wanting to seep in again.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Devotion versus Drive

I am caught in a place of decision and doubt. What motivates me and delivers me to purposeful outcome is in question. Where I see Devotion as doing what you do for the benefit of others, I see Ambition and Drive as being motivated by your own ego or fear.

Knowing that what I do, write about, and figure out for myself helps other people seems a handsome impetus to continue. Devoting myself to this process for my sake and theirs is perpetually my next phase which is often held back by fearful lies about my competence to do so.

And then there’s the Drive, what I think of as ambition. I always considered Drive a symptom of the “less than”. I want to prove I’m not less than. I’ll show you. It can be a need for approval and when doing it for anyone but you, you are bound to ride a slippery slope to disappointment.

Money making just for money making’s sake comes from Drive and I tend to judge that harshly. But what do I know of people’s secret fears and hidden stories?Devotion verse Drive on Shalavee.com

What if the drive for money was needed to bring family to you from far away where they were impoverished or in danger? Or was needed to start-up a nonprofit or champion a cause that was dear to you. Or just to feed your children some non-charity voucher food. I am sometimes such a privileged middle class citizen that I forget that I do not want for these sorts of things. I am with my family and we can eat well or badly by choice.

Ambition itself isn’t a bad thing as long as others needs are not disregarded in the process. If you have the devotion to a greater good in your sight, you will not go wrong with the drive to succeed. Everyone will benefit. It’s the ego propelling you to greedy heights or keeping you from aspiring for a purpose greater than you are destined for that’s questionable.

Any ideas on drive versus devotion? What motivates you?

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Thank You to Me

In an effort to regain the self-trust momentum I seem to have lost of recent, I thought I might take a moment to appreciate myself. Throw my humble self a slice of gratitude pie and see where it sticks. So here’s what I am grateful to myself for this past week.

Thank you for not judging my body and telling me I’m fat or imperfect.

Thank you for dressing me in comfortable clothing that also flatters me.

Thank you for taking me to the gym just enough to know I went this week.

Thank you for asking for support from your community when you were feeling wobbly. You let me see that many more people think the better of you than you think.

Thank you for making the appointment to see the doctor and ask for a little help despite the stigma of anxiety. Thank you for being my hero.

Thank you for making the soup and getting my eyebrows waxed and hair trimmed.

Thank you for letting me play and redecorate in my house with my stuff/toys to make it pretty for November.

Thank you for cleaning out the freezer and mopping the kitchen floor.

I will be exercising my gratitude muscle a little more this week of Thanksgiving. We all need a built-in excuse to be thankful every now and again.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Practicing Compassion like God

I was truly inspired after I listened to a podcast recently from the unbelievably smart Sas Pethrick. It was the 30th episode of her podcast called Courage and Spice and she interviewed Jane Reeves, author of a book I recently bought on practicing Loving Kindness (aka Compassion) titled A Heart of Gold. The reason I originally got the book? Because I have come to believe that the only way out of the self-torment and judgment cycle I’ve been subjecting myself to for the greater part of my life is to practice self-compassion. And these two ladies know it too.

Their conversation was one of those deep kind that gives me goosebumps and ahas every couple of minutes. There are more nuances to being mindful and kind to yourself than you would think. For instance, to be a good friend to yourself as well as anyone else, sometimes all you need to do is just be present. No questions or comments. No fix-it suggestions or “it’ll be ok, you’ll see”s. Just being a compassionate witness is ll that’s required. And that if we can not show up and be present for ourselves, we certainly aren’t available for others.Practicing Compassion like God on Shalave.com

That kind of reflection of worthiness and worth isn’t easy to come up with for ourselves. But, as Jane and Sas spoke about imagining a grandparent or a beloved person witnessing you and being there, I realized that is what people ask their God to be: a kind gentle powerful reflection of the light of their worth. That is a gift faith gives you, self-love and self-acceptance. Compassion for your humanity. We’re coming from a deficit and need a little help.

Another thought that these two women brought up was that we intellectually know that as human beings, we will always suffer. But we keep hoping we can avoid this pain somehow. And this avoidance looks a lot like over-eating, over-drinking, over-shopping, etc. But if we were to concede to our humanity and know we’ll be able to get through the inevitable pain by just being here with ourselves until it passes, we could have such a better time of it all.Practicing Compassion like God on Shalave.com

But God already knew that compassion is key.

What if you didn’t have to fix it all but just had to be present with the pain until it subsided and it all felt slightly better to make the next choice? How would you view change? It would be a little easier wouldn’t it.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Ignore Your Brain, Feel Your Feels

This week, I had a really bad spell of the feels. I finished up my creativity workshop and instead of feeling that amazing “I did it” feeling, I felt like an impostor. Who was I to think I had anything to say about creativity? And then, why did I put myself in this jeopardy? And PS, this is the same doubt spell I had at the end of my creativity/anxiety sermon I gave at my church.

So I rolled around for a day feeling really crappy. Letting all the silly mean stuff rip around in my head. Grieving the marvelous feelings I was supposed to feel in conjunction with doing activities that are directly related to my perceived purpose. My inner daughter was mad at me for not keeping her safe from all the judgment she was sure she had coming her way from me and everyone who witnessed my outright failure. And me infuriated by the fact that all the apparent work I have done on my esteem doesn’t add up to a hill of beans.Ignore Your brains, feel your

I went online to publicly claim my intentions to go see my doctor about anti-anxiety meds. And to hopefully claim my wobbliness in the hopes that someone else would find permission for themselves to do the same. I am glad I heard my heart tell me that I need something else other than I am doing to get me beyond. And I am keeping my brain in a time out for overacting in such a way.

But the most interesting postlude is the way my community came out to witness me. Many people truly wanted to provide the fix. Could it be lack of light or menopause? I had beautiful offers to talk and I informed everyone that have a therapy appointment coming soon. Because again the most traumatizing part of this whole thing is that I’ve done so very much work, why do I have to endure these episodes anymore?Ignore Your brains, feel your

In the end, I find out that there a lot of people who care about me and I do not take that lightly. It’s hard to be accountable to so many people so I am just going to be accountable to myself but I hope that, at some point, I can see what everyone sees in me. Because I think that would help tremendously in keeping this kind of thing from happening in the future. Or perhaps not but I like to think there’s a solution. Acceptance, compassion, and love from me to you to me again.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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