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Shifting from Should to Could

The shame of not doing what I should have done is sometimes unbearable. I really do mean well and know better, yet I keep hearing myself berate me for not having already done that and gone there. I am a very smart woman, I should know better, do better. And all that serves to do is make me not want to do it even more. If I’ve made it a should, I’ve cursed the possibility of having it happen. Or I hold an invisible knife to my throat for so many tasks that would make me a better person.

This idea of the difference between Should and Could was brought to my attention by the lovely Gabrielle Treanor via her Pressing Pause podcast for overthinkers. Episode 14 was titled “The damaging word every overthinker uses”. I wondered what that might be. And what followed was a very well written explanation of our overuse of the word SHOULD. “I should be doing more” or “I should be able to muscle through these fears” are probably my nasty little whispered shoulds.

What Gabrielle so wisely says is, “‘Should’ is laden with shame and obligation and absence of choice. When we say we should or should not do something it’s usually because that’s what we think others expect of us, what society tells us, or what we think we’re supposed to be feeling, thinking, or doing in our lives. If it’s something we wanted for ourselves, if it was something we thought was a possibility, even if it’s really difficult, we’d use ‘want’ or ‘could’ in place of ‘should’.”Shifting from Should to Could on Shalavee.com

What she goes on to suggest is that, when we hear ourselves about to use the word should, we can switch to could. If we are told we should go to a restaurant she offers, we suddenly feel burdened by this suggestion. But to say we could go to that restaurant will probably get us to the restaurant and not feeling it’s an obligation or a dreadful act we must do. Could changes the feeling the sentence.

There are way too many things in life that we really must do. Finances, grocery shopping, and changing poopy diapers are some dreaded ones. Why drag all those other things in on top of our already heavy load. Instead, we can say we could go for a walk and smell the air and hear the birds for a half hour before we head back to work. I’ll bet you get your exercise in and have a more productive time working with that lovely sounding could than feel the dread of “exercising”.

Semantics, or how we say things, has a lot of impact on how we feel. Being aware of the words we chose and the tone we use when we say them is important, both to others as well as ourselves. But I really was surprised at the simplicity of how switching Could for Should can open possibilities and let us make choices from a place of curiosity and joy rather than shame and dread. See what you think about making the swap when you catch yourself saying Should.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter orPinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Drew’s Story of the Spinach Salad

Often we live and experience our lives through an expectation or understanding we developed as children and we’re sure that it is and will always be this way. How do we know our truths are absolute? A truth to us can be completely distorted until we come face to face with it.

Our friend Drew has a story he tells about being in a café in Ireland. And he looks on the menu and decides to order the Spinach salad. Apparently there were other elements that were being offered with the spinach that seemed appealing . His experience up to this point with spinach was that it is a great big green glob that comes in a can. But he figured he’d just eat around it when it came.Drew's Story of the Spinach Salad on Shalavee.com

The salad comes out and he’s eating it and thinking how good it is and he’s wondering where the green glob is. He’s also relieved that the green glob isn’t there. And then it occurs to him that this yummy green leafy stuff that he’s been eating is spinach in its raw form. And he’s bowled over by how his perceptions and expectations can be so walled off from reality.

If I  attempt to try to do this or invest my expectations, I may surprised how what I think will happen may be far from the truth. How will I ever know what it is like having high self-esteem if I avoid the very risks that will allow for me to develop it. I live an assumption that my diet will always consist of lumpy green stuff and never take a chance to discover the genuine nourishment of the good stuff. 

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter orPinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Pitching the “When I Lose Weight” Clothing

I am still engaged in a lifelong battle against my own body. A perpetual hostage of “when I lose weight”. Most of the past three decades has been spent judging my physical self as under par and trying to fix it (This may also have applied to how I felt about my mind too but we’ll stick to the injustice at hand …and belly and… ). I have been in a perpetual battle of disgust with myself and I am so very tired now. I’d like to call a cease fire. There is no fix for this fixed fight and I will always lose. Especially when I’m not losing the weight I keep thinking I should. But, as I said before, “As long as there’s something to “fix”, it implies brokenness. And I do not want to model this for my buxom red-headed daughter. She’ll have to fight it from the world as it is.” 

I am the gal who always exercises. My blood pressure is grand because I am what I call Fit Fat. Heart is strong and stamina is there. But I don’t get credit for that from myself. Because I am in a constant state of dismay at my extra 10 pounds. I wouldn’t be considered skinny but I have always tortured myself with that assessment. And so my closet is full of clothing that I will wear“When I” lose that 10 pounds. I will be done and perfect and look good. I will stop bullying myself and finally be kind to myself because I lost the weight.Pitching the when I lose weight clothing on Shalavee.com

The problem is that, since I don’t seem to be able to change this about myself, I feel substandard. With my worth perpetually hanging on my crappy opinion, am I doomed to live everyday in disappointment and shame? I’d say yes. I have spoken many times on this subject because apparently, I’m not done with it yet.

I am no longer  keeping a constant count of calories on my Fit Buddy app on my phone. I was sure that I’d be losing weight and doing it all perfectly for a week and then my gut would fill up (as it does due to its extra capacity) or bloating from my monthly menstrual cycle. And I am reliving my lifetimes of disappointment and hopelessness and incorporating horror into my basic self-care of eating and living. I am tired of this constant control. I need a vacation I told myself and so now I am on a holiday where my bodily self-loathing is concerned.Pitching the when I lose weight clothing on Shalavee.com

I’ve begun to buy clothing that hides a little more while looking sheikh. I’m going back into my closet and yanking the “When I” clothing. If mindful living is about living in the present then I chose this moment in this body as I must because it’s my only choice. Until I’m OK with where I am at this exact moment, I will not move from this spot. Ever.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter orPinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Create the Life You Want to See and Be

There is a place where each of us thrives. Where we know we belong to ourselves when we are there. It is a crossroads that when we stand there, we are rooted with our own self-trust. And that no negative words could blow our buzz. That place is our home. I am searching for it. I want to create the life that I’m meant for. I may even be standing directly over top of it. And I feel many of you are too.Create the Life You Want to See and Be on shalavee.com

I am near that place when I am writing from my heart. And I’m even closer when I am in a creative community engaged in creativity and supporting one another. Each of us has felt the tickle and the tug of this special place for ourselves. And yet, as we trust our logic and fear and not our intuition, we think “this surely must be a mirage. It can not be as simple as just being ourselves.” Tricky, that fear is.

I may have wasted many many years making all of this way more complicated than it had to be. Tripping over my shoulds and ignoring my coulds, I have stayed put in a quiet spot watching and dreading how complicated it seemed it would be if I were to pursue simply being me. Create the Life You Want to See and Be on shalavee.com

But the moments of pure bliss I’ve had creating and communing and supporting fellow creatives made it seems so simple. The whisper…I only need to trust the process. Trust = Taking Root Under the Self Tree. Agreeing and Intuiting my next step and being present to witness the changes and the letting go. No one can be me better than me. So letting me be me may allow for me to see the future as a hopeful happy place? Perhaps. 

 

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

They Do As They See

We all mean well as parents. Well most of us. We mess up trying to overcompensate for the advantages we didn’t have as children. We spoil them and we coddle them when all they really need is our undivided attention and our faith in them. But the one thing many of us seem to overlook is that how we treat ourselves shows them how to treat themselves. And that is only a good story if we are good to ourselves.

There is a woman at the exercise gym I belong to who teaches several fitness classes. And her hyper self-loathing comes out when she talks about her body. And we all disagree with her but she judges herself so harshly. And she has a daughter and two sons.They Do As They See on Shalavee.com

I have busted myself for self-bullying within the past year so I am very empathetic to this pattern of behavior. Both societal messages of women’s worth and our inherited ancestral low self-esteem have conspired against us to create these running dialogues. Damaging enough until we consider that, unchecked, we will pass these hateful messages on to our daughters. Because they do what they see, not what we tell them to do. They respond to the mirrors we have of ourselves as much if not more than the mirrors of love and worth we think we’re doing so well to reflect to them.They Do As They See on Shalavee.com

The opposite of hate is love. The opposite of judgment is compassion. If we can even be aware of what we are doing to ourselves and talk with our daughters about their amazing value as thinkers and kind and creative souls then we could change the tide of self-bullying. To show our children, boys and girls, what it means to be human and compassionate and honest is truly the kind of parenting we want to be doing instead.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter orPinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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