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Pitching the “When I Lose Weight” Clothing

I am still engaged in a lifelong battle against my own body. A perpetual hostage of “when I lose weight”. Most of the past three decades has been spent judging my physical self as under par and trying to fix it (This may also have applied to how I felt about my mind too but we’ll stick to the injustice at hand …and belly and… ). I have been in a perpetual battle of disgust with myself and I am so very tired now. I’d like to call a cease fire. There is no fix for this fixed fight and I will always lose. Especially when I’m not losing the weight I keep thinking I should. But, as I said before, “As long as there’s something to “fix”, it implies brokenness. And I do not want to model this for my buxom red-headed daughter. She’ll have to fight it from the world as it is.” 

I am the gal who always exercises. My blood pressure is grand because I am what I call Fit Fat. Heart is strong and stamina is there. But I don’t get credit for that from myself. Because I am in a constant state of dismay at my extra 10 pounds. I wouldn’t be considered skinny but I have always tortured myself with that assessment. And so my closet is full of clothing that I will wear“When I” lose that 10 pounds. I will be done and perfect and look good. I will stop bullying myself and finally be kind to myself because I lost the weight.Pitching the when I lose weight clothing on Shalavee.com

The problem is that, since I don’t seem to be able to change this about myself, I feel substandard. With my worth perpetually hanging on my crappy opinion, am I doomed to live everyday in disappointment and shame? I’d say yes. I have spoken many times on this subject because apparently, I’m not done with it yet.

I am no longer  keeping a constant count of calories on my Fit Buddy app on my phone. I was sure that I’d be losing weight and doing it all perfectly for a week and then my gut would fill up (as it does due to its extra capacity) or bloating from my monthly menstrual cycle. And I am reliving my lifetimes of disappointment and hopelessness and incorporating horror into my basic self-care of eating and living. I am tired of this constant control. I need a vacation I told myself and so now I am on a holiday where my bodily self-loathing is concerned.Pitching the when I lose weight clothing on Shalavee.com

I’ve begun to buy clothing that hides a little more while looking sheikh. I’m going back into my closet and yanking the “When I” clothing. If mindful living is about living in the present then I chose this moment in this body as I must because it’s my only choice. Until I’m OK with where I am at this exact moment, I will not move from this spot. Ever.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter orPinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

I May Still Be a Runner Yet

A while back, I wrote a post titled, I’m No Longer a Runner. I bemoaned the fact that my apparent SI joint malformation was increasing in pain and that it may stop me cold from doing the one thing that had always been my happy exercise: running. Because when we are faced with chronic pain, we think we have to give up hope. We begin to compromise and make due and tell ourselves there are other ways we can be happy. Never an excuse to stop following the breadcrumbs to our wellness but it slows us down with the not knowing.

I am happy to say that I am running again. The steroid injections eventually helped, although it seemed like a long time for them to kick in. I can take Ibuprofen and go for a run/walk and my affected joint only aches. I can totally settle for that because these early Summer days are exquisite and all I want to do is go running and huff the heady lemony scent of magnolias in bloom.I may still be a runner yet on Shalavee.com

I think sometimes we get to worrying and apprehending the future, especially if it includes pain, and we try to come up with solutions that if we were to buy, would solve all the dissonance. If I didn’t want to be a runner, than not running would be fine. Except it isn’t, because in my heart of hearts, I am still a runner. I love the breeze and the smells. The rhythm and honesty of it. And I love that I trust myself to just start and stop and go where I want. Running is such a longstanding part of me that I hope I can keep doing it for a long time.

If you enjoyed what you read, please subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Mending My Body

Before launching into one of his tales, my husband always says,”Stop me if I’ve told you this one before”. Of course you wouldn’t be rude enough to do that. I’m the only one that would. But I do think I have a tendency to hesitate telling you about myself sometimes as if you’ll tire of “that same old story” especially when I’m whining about my body.

I’ve found, however, that some stories are worth telling over and over if it allows for others to give themselves permission to help themselves or feel like they’re not alone. So this is my current story.

I am fighting the good fight next round of finding the right doctors, attending the doctor’s appointments, scheduling procedures, and getting through the procedures. Oy is it a battle! And yet, at the end, I have told myself that I am valuable enough as a human being to take care of.

I have finally gotten another set of bilateral corticosteroid shots to my sacroiliac (SI) joints where the spine, or sacrum, attaches to the hips. I am awaiting a follow-up doctor’s appointment but have not experienced complete pain relief all the time. I can get two more sets of shots before I have to wait 6 more months. If this ceases to be affective, my next choice would be a fusion surgery. We’re hoping that will be unnecessary for a long time. mending my body on Shalavee.com

I am now on a countdown for a sinus surgery that essentially should have been done years ago. It seems that a deviated septum is to blame for my chronic sinusitis and subsequent failure (twice) of the antibiotic augmentin. So essentially, I am having my nose roto-routered. It’s kinda hard not to be anticipatory of this sort of thing. And being unable to take Ibuprofen ten days prior to the surgery is messing with me as my SI joint responds best to that medication.

What I’d like to say is that, “It is what it is until it isn’t anymore”. And soon this will all be a nightmare. In other words, I’ve got my sights set to the future and the Fall when my fall allergies won’t create yet another sinus infection. And I can go running outside again. These are respectable goals.mending my body on Shalavee.com

I hope that me telling you all of this, you can see that taking care of whatever ails or hurts you is such a big deal in feeling like a whole happy person. You’d never deny a child the medical treatment they would need so why do adults do it all the time to themselves?

Follow the breadcrumbs to your wellness.

Anyone have something their putting off taking care of?

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest  too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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