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I Carry the Shame

I carry the shame

Of the impoverished upbringings of my parents. Abuse and neglect. I can’t wear stained or torn of illfitting clothes when I leave the house. We don’t do that.

I carry the shame 

Of the unwanted weight on my body.

Not maintaining my appeal for men and equally, for caring what anyone thinks of me, especially men.

I carry the shame 

Of not fixing my anxiety

Of passing it on to my child

Of not being enough.

I carry the shame 

Of staying stuck

Of not rising, using my talents for more.

Of not burning brightly like they all say I can.

I live my shame within my large body 

In the darkness of pain and of blame.

It is embodied in my name.

 

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Pandemics Happen and then Everything Goes to CBD Oil

In the beginning of the year, I was doing pretty great. I was exercising regularly, losing my Christmas weight gain, writing an essay that I knew would be published, and had some routine going. And then the Pandemic happened. I didn’t implode immediately but the decline of my “self” life was inevitable.

I’ve spent a lifetime giving upon myself. It’s what I grew up with. I’m kinda not worth the effort. I then revert to taking care of others mode. It’s a pattern especially in Summer time. It’s easier to focus on all the household tasks and family needs then try to muster up the structure, time, and separation that I need to take care of me. I give up. It smacks of effort.

The result of this year with the increased pandemic induced anxiety and lack of deeper self-care, is that I’m not feeling my best. I’m heavier than I’ve ever been, out of shape, and can’t seem to initiate any routines. I’ve thought about them but I’m just not worth the effort.

Even with CBD gummies and anti-depressants, there’s no quick cure for low self-esteem. That is an ingrained concept of self that is a lifetime battle. I feel like the self-system that shows my worth with organization and priorities for my time and efforts for myself is knitted with yarn. And it’s unraveling is destined. Because that’s what I’ve decided.Pandemics Happen and then Everything Goes to CBD Oil on Shalavee.com

There’s no quick cure for this. Climbing out of this hole requires conscious effort. Support and witnessing. Intention and insight. These aren’t easily come by when you’ve spent a lifetime doing the opposite. And then I think of my daughter and what she needs to have modeled for her. And as much as I want to fall in a hole, that really isn’t an option.

I need to give her ways to show up for herself when she’s scared. I need to give her these with authority and knowing. I need to model what I didn’t have modeled for me. Because that’s part of what I am here to do. My destiny as it is, was handed to me when she was born. I can not stomach the idea of her giving up on herself.

And so I begin again within the constructs of what I am living. This morning as she sleeps, I write this confession. And know it means something.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

September Has Arrived

September has arrived. The crickets forewarned me. The temperature dropped a delightful 15 degrees Fahrenheit although the humidity has kept its nasty reign on out region. I look forward to these things.

To the schedule, rhythm, and routine of the school work week so I may advance with my own progress.

To the planning, implementing, and shutting down of the garden workload.

To bringing down the fuzzy rug and turning on the fireplace because it’s cold outside.

To wearing clothing that covers the back of my thighs.September Has Arrived on Shalavee.com

To firepits in the backyard and saying adios to mosquitoes.

To the expansive feeling of Autumn’s cooler weather in my mind and my body.

To finding legitimate footing in my life’s work and moving onward.

My hope for you all is the very same freedoms if you so desire them. Or that you write out what yours are for the coming months. Let’s hope that despite all of this, 2021 blooms with new growth like we never expected.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

What Would Make My Life a “Success”

What do you do? The answer to this question implies your worth and productivity to the world. This question is why you stopped going to events where there might be strangers. Because you aren’t certain that there’s an answer you can provide that will bring satisfaction to you and them.

But what if we stopped valuing and judging ourselves on what we do? Gasp. What if we valued ourselves and our presence in this world and instead focused on what a successful life looked like to us not others? What would that look like?What Would Make My Life a “Success”  on Shalavee.com

To spend enough quality time with my kids and eat dinner with them most nights.

To have the time and energy to live a creative life outside of all my musts of parenting and household upkeep.

To be the kind of friend and parent that I want to have.

To honor my skills as a writer and respect my need to pursue that by scheduling regular writing time.What Would Make My Life a “Success”  on Shalavee.com

Three out of four I’m actually doing pretty well at. So I’d say my life is mostly already successful. The trick is to not aim so far ahead of your true life that you miss enjoying living it.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Puzzling Out My Realizations

The weather has broken finally. Usually it’s hotter than heck around this time in August. I am not complaining.

In the Spring I was taking daily walks and I have been able to return to these. Like a moving prayer, I feel all sorts of hopes and connections bubble to the surface as I walk.

Today, I put my realizations together. I was truly at my best this Spring when I was walking and writing bis juicy essays. I felt great. And I didn’t have time to fuss about this weight gain that has happened to many of us. I realized that all that stuff will take care of itself if we do what we need to do to connect ourselves to the larger source of our happiness.Puzzling Out My Realizations on Shalavee.com

Doing what makes us happy and where we express our genuine selves is what we’re here to do. And yet it does take some concerted effort to show up, do the work, and make the happy machine work. I get caught in all or nothing places. In what ifs, disaster scripts, and not enoughs.

But at the right times, I see what could be for me. How I am already the person I need to be, I just need to put the work into showing the rest of the world what I can do.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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