search
top
Currently Browsing: Blogging Along

My Worth on this Earth : Should vs. Wanna Be

I hit a bumpy patch recently where I had to stop myself dead in my tracks. I was drowning in my own good ambitious intentions. And it wasn’t even August yet. So I pulled the plug on myself to reevaluate my priorities. Because knowing what you don’t want is as good as knowing what you do. My inherent worth on the planet was being mugged by shoulds.

I’ve journaled a lot recently and sorting out what I think I see going on. This doesn’t mean I’ll have kicked this recurring habit, this brain hiccup I’m accustomed to having, but I’m closer to calling it the should trap that it is at least.

Seems my drive and ambition to succeed are really just me

trying to prove my worth on this earth.

I am desperate to prove I have a purpose because

I secretly I suspect that I have none. WOW!

My worth in this earth on Shalavee.com

I could feel the fear lapping at my ankles. Misting over my thoughts to avoid letting me get to the bottom of this recurring nightmare. Having had a father who was very ambitious, much to the detriment of our family, I’ve lived the bad effects of ambition. However, I clearly know I want to do work that fulfills my soul and calls me to it. I do not want to do work to impress people but to see what else I can add to the world’s worth by doing it. And to see who I can become by doing this work. If people are impressed, all the better.

While fear pushes, vision pulls.

This is a concept given to me recently by Anna Lovind, a creative coach and wise sage. I can reframe and base my future on what makes my heart sing instead of trying to control the unwanted outcome. And I decide whether the shoulds I’m shoving onto my platter to devour are distasteful. Do they or don’t they represent my purpose? Or am I afraid of fulfilling the potential I have long been swallowing ?My worth in this earth on Shalavee.com

The conflict I’m experiencing, the push and the pull, is all about fear. Fear I’m crap, what I make and write is crap and isn‘t worth publishing. That I have nothing of worth to give. Or that once I start to truly give, I won’t be able to stop and people will expect it of me. Come to think of it, having someone expect me to continue is not too bad a thing. That’s accountability that keeps me blogging or vlogging.

If you maintain integrity with your own happy purpose, people to then expect you to do your best work out of love. C’mon now, that sounds like Heaven to be able to be more you and have people enjoying it and be inspired by it. Now that I put it that way, I’ll have to sit fear down and let her know, she’s getting in my way and if she could have a seat in the corner, that’d be great. We have fun we need to get on to.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter orPinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Save

The Next Ten Things You Didn’t know About Me

So so serious. I am always feeling like I’m taking myself so seriously. So this Friday, I wanted to do a Soul Selfie of another sort. Secrets and stories. Who am I?

Whereas last time on my video lunchtime chat, I spoke about what it is to blog and why I do it, this time I want to talk about me, who and what I am.

Do that “Ten Things You Didn’t Know About Me” kinda thing. Off the top of my head:

  1. I have a ghost fear about swimming that I gave to my kid. So that I never empowered him to swim. I earned it honestly with several near drowning incidents as a kid. But this Summer was all about giving him the confidence to swim. And I succeeded!
  2. Fiona my second baby at 46 was a “spontaneous” conception. There was no fertility help. I just began to worry that I was going to have to throw a wake for my fertility soon and I hedged my bets. Had no idea that there were tests to take. I just willed her into being.
  3. I was past 40 before I started to write and publish my essays on-line. 45 when I started to blog. I’m a believer in Late Blooming.
  4. I was a DIY-aholic when we bought this house. For a whole year it was all I did. I redid every room in this house before I stopped when I had kids. Only their rooms were done since. And recently, I’ve been reminded that I love it so much, I may need to start it up again to fulfill that part of my creativity needs.10 Things you may not know about me on Shalavee.com
  5. It took me 6 1/2 years to matriculate from the University. I skipped my last year of the all girls high school I was in and went to college. There were boys there with fancy haircuts and suntans. I worked the entire time and took a semester off and one part-time semester. My very last semester had me needing one credit in any upper level course so I took poetry. I memorized a Wordsworth poem.
  6. In my other life, I’d be an interior designer. See number 4. Were I to go back to school, that would be it. Set design too. Ooh La La.
  7. I suck at roller skating and ice skating. I’m a very athletic person, good at any sport you put me to doing. Except those.
  8. I had orthroscopic surgery inside my left shoulder to remove extra bone almost 20 years ago. Only surgery ever. And a shot recently in my left SI joint (near hip) to reduce pain from a bone spur tells me there’s more orthroscopic surgery in my future. That was in February. I just finished paying that off.
  9. Which brings me to the biggest secret of the year. We are now are covered under the government health insurance. We make little enough to have the government subsidize our health. We were paying $550 a month and now we’re not starting last May. I had Fiona with the government’s help, thank you US GOV. And our children have always been covered by their health program, I’d just never had them run our income for us. This subject was one I touched on when Fiona was in my belly in this piece and gave me my very first taste of hate mail and troll comments on the blog. A bit of an eye-opener for the very sensitive pregnant lady.
  10. And because I need one more, Number Ten !!! I have written 850 posts, I’m about to turn 50, and I never really lost that ten pounds permanently. And it doesn’t make me a bad person !!!10 Things you may not know about me on Shalavee.com

If you have actually stuck around to read this last one, you are the lucky winner of my undying admiration and devotion. If you are on Facebook, take a moment to pop over to my Shalavee Facebook page and see my videotaped self in live to recorded action. Like the page, take a look at the other videos. Something. Wednesday is another post day. Talk at you then.

If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit. If you Sign up for my newsletter in the sign up box over there to the right, you’ll receive a first look-see at my Creative Mothers’ Manifesto! Heartfelt impassioned words on the need for expressing creativity for your soul and being a better mother for it.

Tis My 5th Blogaversary

Yes, hearts and stars, it was five years ago I began my blogging career . Truly, besides birthing children, it is the second largest miracle in my life. That I gave my love of writing the respect that it was due and entered into a contract with myself to get better by blogging regularly, that was huge. This, the bottom line, the why of my blog, was solid.

But the how of my blogging would be the journey worth traveling. I almost stopped, as many bloggers do, after 6 months, but then bettering my writing was my goal, my give a shoot, so I focused solely on that. I had no idea what I was doing otherwise. turnbridge point porch on shalavee.com

Dealing with the technology threatened to undo me several times too. I nearly lost my mind to the fear and anxiety with just installing the mechanics and the upkeep of the blog. But I kept on keeping on. And because I knew it was what you were supposed to do, I joined Facebook and Instagram and to my amazement, discovered that there were wonderful like-minded people all over the world.

However, the biggest discoveries were the ones I found had happened inside of me. I gained a truer understanding of who I was, what was important for me to be, and that I could count on myself. I separated the real me from the one I imagined I should be but wasn’t. And the person I am today is completely due to to his blogging journey I’m on. I have been able to peel back such layers of me and show the world that it’s possible to be authentic without too much reprisal. Yes there are trolls out here but they only make you stronger.My 5th Blogaversary on Shalavee.com

So I’m in for the long haul for this blog. I intend for there to be some changes to it for the better sooner than later. But my voice and my clear intention to be me and continue to grow and learn unapologetically will remain. I love each and every one of you my devoted readers so much because you know I mean it when I say I do this for both of us.

Read my thoughts from my 4th Blogaversary here.

Read what I said on my 2nd Blogaversary here.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter orPinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

I Don’t Ask

The fact that I don’t ask keeps coming up. I usually don’t ask for help, advice, support, or to get my needs met. And there are varying flavors of reasons for this lack of asking, especially on the blog keeping front, which still don’t substantiate the lack of asking.

I’m afraid that by asking for people to read and creating a larger audience, they’ll see me for the ignorant amateur fraud I am and point it all out to me. This is known as the Imposter Syndrome.

I’m afraid that if I do build my audience and engage them in activities or groups, I’ll then be unable to keep up the work and the effort that it took me to get there. I’m afraid of not being able to maintain any success. This is my fear of Success called Hilda. I’m afraid I’ll abandon people too. 

I don’t ask for anyone to share my posts maybe because they’ll say no. I tell myself this doesn’t really help grow my readership or it’s begging. But that’s silly because people a) want to be of help and just don’t realize how they can help and b) everyone who would share it would have friends with similar interests. And c), people are drawn more to those people sure what they have to offer the world is worth sharing.

I know my insight is honest and refreshing. And that my unique perspective is interesting and authentic. You really don’t need anything else.Vine creeping on Shalavee.com

I don’t ask for technical help because I think no one would have time to help or have better things to do or Hey, I’m undeserving of support. Or I am less worthy than others. And throw in I am weak and needy when I ask for help and I think I pretty much covered all the reasons I don’t ask for help, as false as all of them are.

I come to find out that in always offering my help but never asking for it, I’ve become untrustworthy in a way. I must take as much as I give for my character to be trustworthy. Otherwise it could appear I’m acting like I think I’m better than others by not asking.

And lastly, I’m undeserving of support. I have to pay for past wrongs of my existence by staying isolated and unworthy of support? What piffle that is ! But these are the unconscious scripts that are running that I play along with because I haven’t had time to rewrite them. But I’m working on it. Footie on Shalavee.com

I do not believe that all of my readers would dump me if they heard me ask for their support. In fact, once a couple years ago, when I asked people to vote for me for something, I was astounded at how many people did in fact vote. So much so that I didn’t even care to win anymore because I was so heart-warmed that so many people thought so well of me. I had a bigger group surrounding me than I thought. Perhaps the asking is a method by which we can remind ourselves just how loved and important we actually are to our communities. That asking for support is a means by which other people can have an opportunity to show you how much they love and support you. And you are both giving and taking in this exchange. A reframe in process.

If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Change Is Good

There’s a shift that’s been slowly nudging me for change. Well, it started as slow nudging but has become more urgent. The whisper has become a yell. Because I’m a changer, an innovator! I switched my living room and dining room around last Fall ! I am impressed when other people don’t have a compulsion to redecorate or rearrange their houses. I haven’t done anything big here on the blog or at home decorating in a while.

See, there was a question posed to me that went something like, “Have I reached the point that in doing the same thing again and again, it’s actually holding me back?” And I’d have to say yes. I committed to writing three blog posts weekly. I’ve done a marvelous job at proving I’m reliable to myself, I write well, and can schedule stuff even in mid-chaos. Deer in the backyard on Shalavee.com

But now, there needs to be a more. A further step after you’ve gotten the basic step down. A variation needs to happen because you can feel the tension starting to build between what you are doing and what you could be doing more of. Like talking more and thus inspiring people or having them inspire you with their comments and participation.

I’ve created blog reading goodness here three times a week and delivered into your mailboxes. And now a delivery format change is necessary. My thoughts are to publish two blog posts weekly and then send out a weekly newsletter/blog post with links to those posts from the earlier week that you may have missed. Eventually I’ll be using everyone’s addresses that are on the Newsletter list to send both the posts and newsletters out as they’re being managed separately right now. Making it simpler so that I can put my efforts into creating bigger and better stuff. Like e-books and guest posts.

I urge you to put your email address into the Newsletter sign-up box in the right hand column and as a thank you, you’ll receive a link to a previously unpublished Creative Mothers’ Manifesto. It’s a passionate rant about being a mother and a creative simultaneously. There’s some insidious messages we receive yet I have solution thoughts.

And coming up this Wednesday, an interview with Megan Gray of Megan Gray Arts. She’s a prolific artists and mother and she answered my questions with her own twist and bubbliness. I’d had the pleasure of answering all of her questions on an interview on her blog not too long ago. We play on the same thought playgrounds.At the playground on Shalavee.com

Until the day after tomorrow lovely readers. Have a glorious next couple of days. We’ll be on vacation at the beach this week but I’ll be checking into my social media. Find me. Links below.

If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Page 1 of 1912345...10...Last »
top