It’s a thing, this pattern of not enough, of body fix. I hate my bloated belly. I can’t lose the weight. Even when I did, it wasn’t enough. An addiction to self-hatred is what I say. The no compromise standards that keep us right on the other side of the fence of liking ourselves as who we are now. And I’m feeling a weird choked battle cry of “Enough” coming from deep inside.
For a very long time, I have not gauged my worth by my body. My distended or pregnant or redundant colon bloated belly is not what other people judge me as being worthy by. Except, I can not bear to wear half my wardrobe lest my bloated belly show. And the pieces I will possibly grab for just dwindled to a handful when I gained back my weight. I was so triumphant a year ago having lost the ten pounds. And then I found myself right back at the beginning again.
I thought, perhaps I need to sit and watch any crowd and count how many women have a belly. Or I need to peruse some Glamour magazines to quickly sicken myself with the disease of picture perfection in the media and then inspire my rebellion to wear belly shirts. Or maybe I need to sit in front of the mirror and make sure I tell myself about my worth as not being about my body. Any and all these methods could be invoked to remind me that I am loved and lovable wherever and however I am.
Bottom line is that this self-hatred and self-bullying which has me and many others wanting to always fix ourselves can never end well. As long as there’s something to “fix”, it implies brokenness. And I do not want to model this for my buxom red-headed daughter. She’ll have to fight it from the world as it is.
The fact is I’m mortified by the loss of collagen in my body more than anything. But mostly, I know I shouldn’t be having this conversation AGAIN. Haven’t I already learned this lesson? How to do our best and let go of the rest. Forgive our flesh.
I need all your good thoughts and helpful suggestions. And am always up for your stories.
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6 Comments
Unfortunately, have to unfollow you for a month while I am out of touch…will sign back up when we return…hugs, Judy
Bon Voyage Lovely Lady!
I have started back on my yoga for every day in November. Want to join me? Yoga with Adriene is free on YouTube and wonderful. I’m doing the 30 day yoga camp (again). I’m also working to avoid carbs, which made me feel better, lowered my cholesterol, and helped me lose 60 pounds before. I also never had any stomach problems when I was on that diet.
We almost always know what it’ll take and it’s scary. I can’t do no carbs but I am better and better at lowering them. Yoga sounds marvelous and I will be looking into it after I finally eliminate my SI pain once and for all. SOON!
Thank you for being here/there Tamara. It means a lot!
Love ,
Shalagh
As my dad always says, we are our own worst critic. No one looks at us so critically as we do! It helped me as a teenager. Now I need to listen to that advice again. Have you tried argan oil/rosehip oil? I find my face a little plumper in the morning. And don’t forget, those extra ten pounds help the face! xx
I am not familiar with the rose hip thing although I feel like my friend may take supplements of some sort. For me, it’s bloated belly. Those ten pounds come right from there! Half my wardrobe depends on those bloat pounds. Argh. Compassion is the opposite of critical I keep saying. Have compassion for your humanity in huge doses and you’ll have permission as well.
Love Ya’!
Shalagh