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Chosen and Unchosen Changes

I’ve noticed how I feel differently about my life as we pass the one year anniversary of the beginning of the pandemic of 2020. I feel a lot calmer. How did that happen? Because changes happened, both by choice and by time.

I found myself saying no to a string of requests for my time recently. While I made this choice to say no, it has been the time I have spent not doing much of what I used to do that showed me that this is the way I really want to live. I don’t want to rush around anymore feeling overwhelmed with obligations and appointments.

I realized today that, whereas I freaked out when all these people (my family), usually gone during the weekdays, were suddenly in my house in my way demanding stuff of me, I now don’t mind them as much. I have begun to say no more to them too. I can create boundaries enough to have time to myself and sometimes they even leave! Twice last week I noticed we were all in the same room at the same time by choice!

And I finally got so sick of being sick of my body that I have now returned to the YMCA three times a week for exercise classes. I’ve missed the camaraderie in those classes. This feels like normal again. And I’d say we’ve all earned a little normal back.

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Torn Between the Garden and the Spring Cleaning : First World Problems

I can remember being very impatient with the way the seasons would take their time to move on. It seemed like an infinity to wait before Spring would arrive. I feel very differently now at twice the age. I like how long Winter takes because I don’t have as much to be responsible for while it’s cold out.

But once the sun begins to shine and the windows open up, I’m screwed. Because suddenly there’s Spring cleaning to do since the beautiful new sunlight angles are showing me exactly where I’ve been missing all Winter. And now I have to hustle outside and clean up, seed, plant, and replant everything in the garden everywhere.Torn Between the Garden and the Spring Cleaning : First World Problems on Shalavee.com

I have no plan so I panic. And what if I don’t get the seeds in quickly enough? And now I have all the outside life to be responsible for besides the indoor life. So that every beautiful day, if I’m not going to spend it outside gardening feels like I’m wasting it. Gardening doesn’t start off so well for me emotionally.

Eventually I’ll enjoy it. I’ll be proud of something or another. But in the meantime, I’m thinking of calling in a few favors and hiring some help. Windows and woodwork and bathroom cleaning isn’t my idea of joyful time spent. And I’m a Virgo so don’t even ask me to ignore all this dirt. Just encourage me to rethink how I’m going to get all the work done.

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And as always, thank you for your visit.

What if You Find Yourself in a Hole?

Say you find yourself in a hole? You have been in the hole your entire life but you just never looked up. But one person then another person told you to look up. And now you know you’re in a hole.

There are several choices you can make. If you are actually slightly mentally imbalanced, you can convince yourself that that was some kind of dream and those people are crazy, not you. And then you can continue to live in the hole and forget you ever saw you were in a hole.

You can become obsessed with the fact that you have just realized you were in a hole and run around screaming to everyone that “we all live in a hole!”. That will probably get you nowhere. They may even shun or stone you because they do not want this information. They may be overwhelmed by that fiction because that would mean having to look at their lives as lies and then start a whole new life of hole awareness.

Or you can turn to those that showed you that you were living in a hole and ask them how you can all help each other out of the hole. Because you know once you’ve seen this, you can not unsee this. And your integrity understands that the most challenging moments in life bring you the greatest and most beautiful lessons.

For me, this was exactly how I felt when I began to understand how I have been a victim to the patriarchal society all of my life. How I have been applying their judgments to myself and my body. No one has had to keep me down because I’m still doing it myself.

What does this analogy bring up for you? Have you found yourself here before?

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And as always, thank you for your visit.

 

I Have a Hard Time Believing

I have a hard time believing. Raised by anxious agnostics with low self-esteem and a Depression mindset of scarcity who betrayed me, I have a hard time believing.

In January, I started a dietary and awareness adjustment program called Noom. It’s a great program because it comes from a psychological perspective, which I love. The first question they ask and want you to answer “yes” to is, “Do you believe you can lose this weight?”. When I read that question last November, I knew I would change nothing during the holidays.

But in January, I returned to Noom and said that “I believed”. Skip forward to two months later and I haven’t lost a significant amount of weight. I haven’t gained any weight either. With the fluctuations in my weight due to my redundant colon, my body is irregular. And I keep remembering what they say about women’s metabolism in their 50s. Slow and slower and slothlike.

But I also know that quitting never yielded positive results except with my first marriage. So I have to sit with my discomfort around not believing in myself. I have to keep logging my food and keep exercising and yes, keep stepping on the scale.

I have a hard time believing that all my hard work will make a difference in many applications. That much of what I say or write is of no interest to others. That no matter how hard I try, my kids are gonna end up with some sort of addiction problem. That I’ll never live debt-free. But I have no choice but to keep going. And do so joyfully.

Because the one thing I do believe in is Joyful living. And Creative Soul Living.

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Fighting the Scheduling

I have been having an ongoing conversation with my almost 16 year old about creating a relationship with his future. He cringes because he is very happy with living in his now, thank you very much. Why would I want to take him away from all the fun he’s having now by scheduling all the boring things he’ll be made to do in the future. And then I realized, I am doing the exact same thing.

I’ve been resisting scheduling stuff in my calendar. Stuff that seems to be adult stuff. I don’t want to act like a business professional and schedule my work hours within my day. I want to just find the time like I’ve been doing for all of the lockdown. Capturing magic moments within the bubble of our quarantined lives to create and commune and claim my joy, because Joy is my word of the year.

But I am also refusing to plan my meals. Because I should do it, it’s the very thing I don’t wanna do even if this scheduling will allow me even more free time and less stress when it comes to taking care of my family. And losing weight. Nope.Fighting the Scheduling on Shalavee.com

I’d much rather ride the creative wave when it strikes me. It feels so good to hammer out a meal and an essay when the mood hits. But this is not sustainable. An artist that waits for the muse to visit isn’t doing herself any favors. She needs to be awaiting the muse with a typewriter under her hands or loaded paintbrush in case the muse visits.

So how do you create a relationship with your future? You are dependable. You plan things that give you something to work for and look forward to. And those are the items that go on your schedule. If you get to that day and there’s no way you can, so be it. But if you can, you’ve already carved out time for it.

As for meals, even one day ahead of time is acceptable. I tend to like a list of my options up on the fridge to pick from. But I have to know I have everything I need to make this and avoid any extra trips to the store. And I also need a couple days when someone else “makes” the dinner.

So I opened up my datebook and I put in what I know I am doing. And then I can see time blocks where I know no small people will be bugging me. I put in a couple hours of work here and there especially since I am still writing blog posts for Tuesdays and Fridays. And I’m committing to going from there.

It’s process not production that I am trying to tweak here. Anyone else feel like this?

Interested in reading my future thoughts on Creative Soul Living?

Enter your name into the subscription box in the sidebar to the right and subscribe to my bi-weekly posts via your emailbox.

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I love community, soulful candid conversation, and being in touch.

And as always, thank you for your visit.

 

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