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My Cup is Half Full

A cold rainy day has driven me to light the fire and my favorite smelly candle. My first cup of earl grey tea for the season has been brewed.

There’s a lull between holiday storms. Thanksgiving is only leftovers and memories and Christmas is still contained in lists. And I am maintaining a ‘be here now mindset’ as the calendar moves ever onward and may to try to hijack me and my anxieties with “all the things” to come.

Gratitude and appreciation keep us grounded. I am grateful that this old gas fireplace is still lighting after a dozen years in service. That I am still able to buy Paddywax’s Ralph Wald Emerson candle from their Library collection.My cup is half full on Shalavee.com

For the fact that we have money in savings for Christmas this year. And that family will visit to see Fiona in her première performance of the Nutcracker.

I have plenty of time to say what needs saying. And I have plenty of words to do that with. I m also infinitely grateful for all the eyes that take in my words and appreciate them.

My cup is half full only if I think it is. So today, I think it is.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Two Weeks After the Emotional Fallout

It’s been two weeks since the anxiety episode that hijacked my heart and silenced my soul. It wasn’t a panic attack, it was just a crisis of confidence. I’ve had these before. And after I took myself to the doctor’s to ask for some pharmaceutical help and did all the various and assorted self-care activities I could, I’ve just been sitting back and taking it easy. Listening to and watching what my inner-self needs. Not overtaxing myself with have tos but asking what I want to do instead.

Perspective is always a good friend if you allow it to come in and stand with you as time passes. And what I realized was that I have been telling myself a story about how OK I was when I wasn’t. I was passing myself as “doing great” when I wasn’t always doing great. I was so frustrated because I feel like I’ve made a lot of progress in fighting my anxieties and having this spell felt like I’d never gotten anywhere.Two Weeks After the Emotional Fallout on Shalavee.com

Again, another cognitive distortion. I self-sabotaged some major progress by expecting myself to be all in, there already, safe and confident on a high platform away from the fear lions. And there was no voice loud enough to shout me in from the doubt storm as it spiraled out of control shaking me with doubt and grief and shame. “Why do I even try? I put myself in harm’s way. I am a fraud.”

It’s two weeks later, and although I no longer feel like a fraud, I’m still trying to find my footing. My therapist is my own personal wonder woman handing me perspective and tools. And she asked me “What’s your Purpose?”. I said,”I Dunno”. So we’re starting there.

Stuff certainly happens. Regularly. And it’s always up to us to translate what it means, to tell our own story about where we are and what we need to do next. I wanted to run away from all my aspirations. But I let myself sit and watch and what I think I’ve done is blow some unreal expectations out of the water and made room for some compassionate wisdom instead.

I’m just letting go of what doesn’t serve me presently and caring for myself through this fallout. I feel the numbness subsiding and the hope wanting to seep in again.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Devotion versus Drive

I am caught in a place of decision and doubt. What motivates me and delivers me to purposeful outcome is in question. Where I see Devotion as doing what you do for the benefit of others, I see Ambition and Drive as being motivated by your own ego or fear.

Knowing that what I do, write about, and figure out for myself helps other people seems a handsome impetus to continue. Devoting myself to this process for my sake and theirs is perpetually my next phase which is often held back by fearful lies about my competence to do so.

And then there’s the Drive, what I think of as ambition. I always considered Drive a symptom of the “less than”. I want to prove I’m not less than. I’ll show you. It can be a need for approval and when doing it for anyone but you, you are bound to ride a slippery slope to disappointment.

Money making just for money making’s sake comes from Drive and I tend to judge that harshly. But what do I know of people’s secret fears and hidden stories?Devotion verse Drive on Shalavee.com

What if the drive for money was needed to bring family to you from far away where they were impoverished or in danger? Or was needed to start-up a nonprofit or champion a cause that was dear to you. Or just to feed your children some non-charity voucher food. I am sometimes such a privileged middle class citizen that I forget that I do not want for these sorts of things. I am with my family and we can eat well or badly by choice.

Ambition itself isn’t a bad thing as long as others needs are not disregarded in the process. If you have the devotion to a greater good in your sight, you will not go wrong with the drive to succeed. Everyone will benefit. It’s the ego propelling you to greedy heights or keeping you from aspiring for a purpose greater than you are destined for that’s questionable.

Any ideas on drive versus devotion? What motivates you?

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Hail to the Hearth Keepers

Our home fires are both necessary and symbolic. Religious mythology include kitchen hearths and their keepers because the hearth is the place where life and family begins and ends. Heat and life begin within the womb and warmth of the family. And I have always known that my job is to tend that warm place.hail to the hearth keepers on Shalavee.com

I love making fires. I saw an Indian gentleman show the true way to make fire out of forest fodder and I swore I would do that too. What a skill to have. And then I had Fiona instead. She is our “fuego rojo”, a fiery red-headed daughter.

Although our actual fireplaces were long ago rendered obsolete, we bought a gas insert for our living room hearth 15 year ago. I tend that fireplace with a once a year blow out of the dust from the pilot light and relight it to begin our fall season.hail to the hearth keepers on Shalavee.com

My truest joy is how my kids enjoy huddling next to it on the cold days. They ask to light it before school. And pull pillows up to warm themselves. That is the memory I want for them of their home life here. That coziness and kept feeling of home. If they take that with them then I have done my job as the hearth keeper.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Yes You Have Too Much To Do

Yes you have too much to do. Or should I say, I have too much I think I can do. The emails are piling up. There are stacks of unread magazines. There are outdated frozen soups in the freezer. And there are items in my closet that just don’t fit me well. There are dust bunnies with bad attitudes under our beds. And there were more important tasks than these looming in my future too.

As long as I’m still terrified of doing what I’m already putting off, then all those tasks get pushed back further because I have a priority hierarchy in my head. And when I added the yet to do list of tasks to get done before I went away on my trip or before the holiday event happens in my living room, I am drowning in my to do’s, Inundated with must do’s, and desperately wanting to be UN-inundated. Because vacations and holidays are supposed to be relaxing Damn it!yes you have to much to do on Shalavee.com

The trick to being UN-inundated is to actually do those things that you’ve put off. You need to take your fear and stare at it and tell it you will best it. Even beginning a dreaded tasks makes t less dreadful. It’s amazing how everything runs much more smoothly after that happens.

I did the hard things. Drove through the doubt storm. And I must say I was both pleased with myself and relieved and rattled by the fear which is my impostor syndrome stuff. But suddenly I was freed to get to cleaning out my closet and my freezer. I redecorated for Fall and am about to go dye my hair.

Yes, you will get it all done if you keep at it. Drops in the bucket fill the bucket up. But what of the sabotage by overwhelm? Attempting to take on too much is a great and mean way to get yourself to feel like a failure.

In my blog post The Evil Organizer Date Planner , I said this about my over-achieving ways,

I saw a driveway today doubled up with two rows of cars that looked like they were all in need of some sort of repair. And I realized that that’s my mental driveway. With that many tasks to do, it will never look like I’m succeeding even though I am. In fact the opposite may be true. The amount of accomplishments I do get done daily is staggering considering all that is on my plate. And I’m the only one who can’t see this.”yes you have to much to do on Shalavee.com

It’s one thing to say I really expect too much of myself, and it’s a complete change of lifestyle to actually weed away the overwhelm. And especially at Christmas when we’re all expected to be event planners, it’s easy to lose perspective on exactly how much we’re asking ourselves to do on top of all the rest of life’s necessary tasks. I have been a Superwoman all my life who never gave herself credit for the miraculous things I did. So this season, I’ve an eye on me to be mindful of what is enough and what is too much.

Did I mention we’re going out for Thanksgiving dinner?

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your emailbox. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional Intouchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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