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I’d Rather Do Spring

Rather than chose to focus on what’s sucky today, an emotional addiction to chaos I’ve been auto-playing for years, I now have an intention to see what is good. It’s a working intention that’s working more and more for me. I acknowledge the good and bad and look for the hope before concluding the chapter. Spring is a manifestation of hope, ever-returning to gift us back to ourselves.I'd Rather Do Spring on Shalavee.com

I acknowledge my achievements , accomplishments, and gratitudes on a regular basis in my journal so that I can come back and see where I was at this time in my life. And if all I could see in a day was bad, I now recognize that this is false. I see my fear lies waiting to say “I told you so”. It’s hungry for the anxiety I’ve been starving it from feeding for so long now.I'd Rather Do Spring on Shalavee.com

Today I go hunting instead for hope. For the signs that the earth always provides us in Spring. That hope and spring will always be ours. We just need to be patient for the promise. Have faith to wait for those sunny rays on our faces and in our hearts. Because they do come. They always do.

If you enjoyed what you read, please subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

My Fear of Failure

Fear has becomes such a buzz word, I think we no longer understand where it resides in our own lives. Our auto-pilot is engaged and we may not even recognize when fear steps in to drive. But unless we’ve done tremendous amounts of self-work, it’s definitely in us, sometimes making our choices or causing depression or a creating a number of other dysfunctional outcomes. Fear blankets our vision, it knows everything we know and so we aren’t always aware it’s always ready to intervene on our behalf.

I am someone who embraces self-knowledge (obviously) and yet, until someone describes specific behavior to me that is fear-based, I’d never know that it’s my ghost driver. In a recent online class I took, the instructor/coach Rhonda Britten describes all the symptoms of fear of failure. And I thought I’d share the ones that struck truest for me.My Fear of Failure on Shalavee.com

Present Symptoms/untruths of my Fear of Failure include :

  1. A reluctance to try new things.
  2. I absolutely figure out ways to distract myself and not follow through with my goals, sometimes using my children as an excuse.
  3. I definitely say “I’ll never be able to”do such and such.
  4. I believe that success determines my value and my worth is based on my accomplishments.
  5. I choose to get distracted by busy work to avoid the work that I need to do to move forward.

Former Symptoms I exhibited but have found my way away from include:

  1. I used to outright procrastinate but not so much these days.
  2. I don’t have deep of anxiety spells where I feel like I was falling down a hole inside myself.
  3. I mostly let go of my perfectionism at 50 but I used to get wound up over getting things “right”, although by whose standards I’ll never know.
  4. I am caring less and less what people think as I figure out that sometimes the effort is more than half of how impressive you are.

The tricky thing that fear does is that it makes you think there’s something wrong with you. You feel you can’t control the outcome you think you should have. No you aren’t in control because you are giving all the perspective and senses over to the fear brain which makes no sense whatsoever. Truthfully, you are no more incapable than so many other people. Your pre-written stories of imminent failure are just stories to keep you “safe” from failing which somehow will be your demise. Except that everything we do we’ve failed at before we’ve succeeded. Failure is a necessity.

But what really got my attention is this fact:

Fear of failure harbors the fantasy that somehow there is a formula for guaranteed success.

There are a lot of online thought leaders who are selling the perfect ways to do everything. To start a business online, to brand yourself, to build community, and to publish that great American novel. And the hook is that perfect formula. If you were just savvy enough or skinny enough or had enough friends, you would be a “success”. They pray on your fear with this fallacy.

Seems what we really need is practice at failing. And a whole heaping lot of love for ourselves and everyone in the world who has fear guiding their choices. Everywhere you see people not acting right, it’s usually fear that is to blame. And when we panic or become depressed, number one thing we need is our own self-compassion. To recognize ourselves as humans who sometimes fail. Heap some loving kindness on those perceived wounds and go right back in and prove that we certainly can do that which we have yet to figure out how to do. We only need to start.

If you enjoyed what you read, please subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Self Creation by Avoidance of What you Fear You’ll Become

I was washing dishes this morning and it occurred to me that I may actually be basing my journey of becoming me on not wanting to be certain qualities. That I’m attempting to become myself by avoiding becoming something else. And that struck me as kinda stupid.

Where I’d agree, knowing what you don’t want is as important as knowing what you do want, I think becoming by avoidance sounds like fear may be driving. And once fear is in the driver’s seat, your public transportation vehicle is then careening all over the road because fear doesn’t make good rational decisions and doesn’t heed the rules.

Because I don’t want to make the same mistakes my parents did” might sound like a reasonable excuse not to start a family but it’s not on the up and up. It’s completely excluding all the benefits of having that kind of love in your life and adding it to the world.Creating Yourself By What You Don't Want to Be on Shalavee.com

These are the “don’t want to’s” that are gumming up my works. I don’t want to start something I can’t finish. I don’t want to seem to be some kinda of know-it-all when I’m not. I don’t want to act like/be perceived as a narcissist. I don’t want to make anything I’m doing about money. I don’t want to make anything more important than my children. My fear has all the bases covered for making no progress with very pragmatic sounding excuses.

We all have the final power to create and recreate ourselves and our stories all the time. But fear-based self creation serves no one. If I pursue my passions and my children miss me for a night or two while I take care of my project or am out-of-town, that will make us all appreciate each other more. If I limit my reach and my connections with the wider world because I’m afraid of taking on too much, I’ll dial it back when it begins to be too much.Creating Yourself By What You Don't Want to Be on Shalavee.com

Staying small has never benefited anyone. And people who believe in who I am and what I am saying will also get my true intentions and my integrity. Those who don’t, won’t. Perhaps it’s those exact people I need to have faith in to guide me through my fear decisions and tell me the truth. Because my friends and family know I can even when I don’t think I can. I want to know what they already do.

If you enjoyed what you read, please subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

What Self-Care May also Look Like

It feels like I’m just now coming out of the tale-spin of the holidays, more first of the year obligations, and the winter illnesses that somehow have besieged us at the same time. All the gorgeous clarity and connectedness of my writing and intention work has joined so many other forgotten goals and projects and they’re piled in a conceptual corner of my soul’s hallway. I see them but have forgotten how and why they even ended up there.

The purpose and brilliance of my forgotten goals and projects have been lost in the shuffle that is life.

Spells of over-obligation, stress, and fear create piles of unattended to stuff. And if you are an overachiever, or industrial overfocuser, you may have even more leftover undone stuff that is piled in that corner of the hall which now has a force-field around it. You assume the pile is untouchable since it’s been there so long. And at the very moment when you are weighing the importance of the contents of that pile, consider cleaning up that pile may be an act of self-care.What Self-Care May also Look Like on Shalavee.com

Sometimes self-care looks like long hot showers, smelly candles, an hour of uninterrupted reading, binge watching videos of choice, or getting a manicure. Sometimes, for me, it’s having hours to myself to think and write (thus creating this pile of thoughts and dreams I abandoned). And sometimes self-care is getting to the very thing that’s bugging you most and making a decision on it once and for all.

Being your own parent and putting yourself to the “hard tasks” can be the most relieving caring thing you can do for you. Telling another person how you truly feel as kindly as possible can be one. Cancelling the gym membership that was supposed to motivate you and make you feel better and now just makes you feel like a failure. Because it’s now Spring and self-care can actually look like a walk in the park. What can you do to make your soul lighter today?What Self-Care May also Look Like on Shalavee.com

Today, I’m catching up on writing blog posts, and that creativity feels like self-care. I called to make a doctor’s appointment for something that may or may not be something I need to be worried about. I made a hair appointment and a date for drinks. And I ate very healthily for lunch after a nice long walk in the sunshine. And in a little while, I’m going to begin to dig out that pile in the corner of my soul’s hallway. Self-care is serious business and I want to know I did right by myself at the end of the day. That I am not the pile of unattended stuff in the corner thank you.

If you enjoyed what you read, please subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

Apples vs. Oranges : My Worth as a Woman and Mother

” Wow ”, I said, “How do you find all that time to read”, I ask. She says, “Well, I don’t have children to take care of. When I did, I didn’t have time to read either.” Validation there for the taking. Women are the best supporters and the worst critics.

My Mom was a woman of the 60’s. I am a woman of the 80’s. We were pioneers in freedom and equality for women. Feminism and bra burning. Corporate ladders and the Working Girl with padded shoulders. I could bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never let him forget he’s a man. And sometimes I find our modern day’s concepts of girl power are still sorta Spice-girl-esque, we’re strong together wearing cute clothing. It’s better than nothing I suppose.Apples vs. Oranges : My Worth as a Woman and Mother on Shalavee.com

But when we’re alone, left to our own circling thought processes of fear and bottomless devotion to our families, we lose sight again and again, or maybe we never had truly had sight, of where we start and stop and the rest of the world begins. Our expectations of ourselves are to be superhuman and somehow that never includes the stuff we do daily.

I fear that we’ve accepted and embodied all the perfectionistic self-hate causing crap from Suburban Disney subplots that we are now our own perfect persecutors and jailers. Who needs to keep the woman down when she does such a good job of it herself? Add some extra nasty anger/shame/guilt wars between working and staying home Moms and sit back and watch the fairer females make jackasses of themselves depleting their and their daughter’s power all for the prize of pretty, wealthy, and skinny.Apples vs. Oranges : My Worth as a Woman and Mother on Shalavee.com

I struggle to feel my empowerment often when the relentlessness of parenthood gets to me. I have been desperate at times to prove I am more than “just a mother”. Because perhaps I demean this job like so many others. Until lovely people who used to be Moms or mental health care professionals remind me that raising healthy centered children is a gift to the world. That yes, it’s hard and mind-numbing and truly a superhuman thing , if only we Moms would see it as such.

Stay aware of yourself and the stories you tell. I am constantly aware that the story I live right in front of my daughter is the one, bad or good, that she will have permission to live herself. The kind compassionate mother I think I am to my children will only be as good as the one I am to myself. And my value is not determined by my achievements nor my salary. My value is who I am as a friend, a mother, and a human being. Only I can take that away from me.

If you enjoyed what you read, please subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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