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My Self-Discovery Journey : No Nicely Branded Box with Bow-like Promises

Like skydiving or deep-sea diving, this self-discovery adventure of myself, can feel like scary free-falling into the unknown.

As I attempt to traverse the terrain of my inner world and muster the mindfulness that fuels this trip, I am developing a way better understanding of my humanity. And what you need to know about me is that I roll with the lessons, re-posting it “live” as it happens.No Nicely Branded Box with Bow-like Promises on Shalavee.com

Unlike a lot of online persons, I do not have it all wrapped up in a nicely branded box with bow-like promises of easy transformation. I only have the truths as I discover them and the story to tell as it unfolds. My honesty may make some people giddy while others may feel ill from the reality of my process but it is the only way I will keep on keeping on. It is the only way I can feel good about myself sharing my process with you.

Because at the end of this journey, I want a really good story to tell. One about my fears that paralyzed me and the rediscovered hope that broke me free. Perfection that was abandoned to the wind for the sake of being here in the moment. Now. With me and with you if you are here too.No Nicely Branded Box with Bow-like Promises on Shalavee.com

I am committed to creating a life full of intention and connection, community and creativity. And the more I dwell there, the more I know that is exactly where I need to be. So I hope you stick around as see how it all unfolds and keep me company in my discovery journey.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest  too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

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My Fear of the Pain and Fearing the Pain Would Stay

There was a lot of physical pain and fear taking up space in my house this year. Both me and my cat were experiencing our own pain and fear nightmares at the beginning of the Summer. And I’ve since really understood how the feeling of pain can manifest into a more fearful outlook on the world. And mess you up.

This Summer was to be the Summer that I took care of myself. I swore in the beginning to follow through with all the procedures I needed to fix the problems with my SI joints and my sinuses as best I could. It took me all Summer and a dozen appointments and I made progress, but I also lived some fear too.The Fear and the Pain on Shalavee.com

Meanwhile, my poor cat Peewee, who was feral when we found her as a kitten two days after Christmas in 2007 on our back porch, has shade of freak out in her anyway, began to act more weird. She was more skittish and began to pee outside the cat box. I ignored it for a little while as we took our vacation but I knew I needed to wrangle her and take her to the vets. The getting her into a carrier is a dreadful undertaking of sheer strength and will. But once there, the doctor tested her urine and sure enough, she had a Urinary Tract Infection. Well I know these really hurt. And her treatment was antibiotics and some Valium.

In those few days while that cat was on her kitty downers, she was completely different. She was much less freaked out by her surroundings. She was very affectionate and dear. And it had me thinking about the pain as it manifests into fear, it changes your personality. How can you not filter your input and understanding of the world through the pain you feel?The Fear and the Pain on Shalavee.com

Meanwhile, I was really holding my breath that the new doctor and the subsequent shots I received in my SI joints would ease my pain. My fear of this not happening had me on guard all Summer and so nervous. My expectations were in charge. In the end, I now know I will have to pursue further types of treatment. But the pain isn’t as bad as it was in the beginning, it’s just not gone.  I know what my options are, it’s a matter of following through with them. I’m avoiding a fusion surgery until I have to. But that fear and the pain, it definitely had me making bad choices to numb myself out. A glass too many of wine and less and less exercise (plus sinus surgery had me have a seat for two weeks.)

I consequently lost parts of my confident self with the ongoing pain. I became less me with the pain and the fear. Smaller somehow. I am recovering now. Have adjusted my expectations of what I can expect and what I need to do next. Do your best, let go of the rest.The Fear and the Pain on Shalavee.com

This issue on a larger scale? You can’t have a population or community feel strong and make a difference if they can’t treat their pain and have hope to be rid of it. I don’t mean self-medicating with narcotics. I mean genuine health care and mental health services. And the population has to feel they deserve to receive it. That their worthy of this care. The healthcare issues are so much more than they seem. While other countries agree to the inherent worth and dignity of their citizens, we’re having some problems with this of late in the US.

The problem is bad enough that people who even have healthcare refuse to use it to take care of themselves because of out-of-pocket costs, our lack of self-worth feels sad. It almost takes an act of Herculean strength to drag yourself out of that place and act as if you were worth the care. But every single living person is worth the care.

My new motto is Que Sera Sera, Whatever will be will be. Enjoy this slightly bumpy ride via YouTube.

 

 

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

 

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A Few Moments of Thought in the Bathroom

Our house is over one hundred years old. When you use the front upstairs bathroom in the middle of the house over the front door, you hear it groaning. I assume it’s the pipes but why they groan, I won’t know until the day something ruptures.

I’m in there to dye my very white hair roots. When we moved here I was dying my slightly gray and very short hair red. I’m totally gray now and have gone long and dark. As I’m doing the haphazard job I usually do to drown my head in chemicals, intermittently wiping my face and shirt where I’ve splattered hair dye, I see a bug flying around me. I swing at him and continue in the mirror and then I see something crawling on the sink.

So first I think how completely creepy it is for anything to be flying and then suddenly crawling like another beast completely. I consider squashing it because it’s freaked me out. And then I think about the times I’ve scolded my daughter for randomly offing offending ants on the front porch while saving pill bugs to torture. And I leave him alone.A Few Moments of Thought in the Bathroom on Shalavee.com

Hair dye has twenty minutes to cook. I sit down to work on something and think, why not just this exact piece of writing. Because so much mundane thoughts are exactly the place where people spend their thought time in. They do not spend their majority of time in their prettiest pictures or most smoothed over words but in random vitreous brain floater thoughts that float through barely noticed, shadows of fears and worries of life and love.

Seven more minutes to wait until I officially become a little younger. I pull back my skin on cheeks to remember what I looked like without these jowls twenty years ago. When I met Mark. Genetics gave me these jowls and this prematurely white hair. And it’s doling out still more surprises every year.Good thing my skin ages well.

I set my mind to not panic or apply it to how I’m a horrid aging person. I vow instead to follow the breadcrumbs of health and self-care. To make the next appointment necessary and the next and the next and follow through with taking every little pill and walk every mile. That is the only thing to be done. That and choosing to not squash a bug every once in a while.

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest  too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

The Number One Fear You’re Basing Your Choices On

There’s an epidemic that’s got the world paralyzed. You can’t see it on the surface. People go about their business seemingly happy. They dress for success and practice self-care like they mean it. But underneath many many people are suffering from an affliction of their souls which they hide rather well. They live for the acceptance of others.

 

We’re so afraid of what others might think that we no longer know we are. It just is part of our logical daily equation. We must have this or that because that’s what we do. Drive cars, wear clothing, and join sporting activities others would approve of because that’s what we do. We fear others’ disapproval. Our fear makes us jump through our daily hoops. And that’s the norm.

 

We are sure we know what others are thinking!  Our choices are based on what we think others will and do think of us. The truth is that we will never really know what others are thinking. Our families maybe sometimes. But the general public? We can not assume to know what they think. Because ironically, they may be too worried what we are thinking about them to care to think about us. We all believe ourselves to be mind-readers. As if that’s normal.

The Number One Fear You're Basing Your Choices On on Shalavee.com

What if we made decisions instead on what we liked and what we wanted? What if we assumed we were well-liked, or perhaps didn’t care what people thought, and went from there. If we decorated our houses, our bodies, and thoughts with the stuff we really like ourselves. How inspiring we would be to all the other people in the world if we showed them what individuality means.

 

The only way to know what I think of you is to ask me. And even then I may not want you to dislike me so I may lie.

As I always say, let them think what they want, I just never need to know.

 

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

My Remodeled Pink Dining Room

It was recently brought to my attention that I had never posted the “redecorate the dining room” post. This was a May ’17 project I set myself to completing before hosting a dinner party, taking our green dining room and transforming it into a pink dining room. And I was truly pleased with myself and the results. This room reno cost a little over $200 including awesome rug, paint, and curtains. And is a monument to decorating minimalism and intuition.My remodeled pink dining room on Shalavee.com

 

At least five years ago, I decided to paint my dining room Chartreuse green. I thought that Spring green shade would be happy. It was but for some unknown reason I chose to do it in a glossy finish which only made the bumpy walls more visible. This renovation was well overdue. I had visions of pink in my head. It was so design forward it frightened me.

My remodeled pink dining room on Shalavee.com

But I dreaded taking off that grass cloth I’d glued to the dado (beneath the chair rail) some 15 years ago, I’d left it. And eventually, it had become the scratching post for certain naughty kitties. As with so many tasks we dread, it turned out to be easy. It took me one hour to remove and scrub off the remaining glue from the walls. I was again astonished at how we dread and put off things for no reason.My remodeled pink dining room on Shalavee.com

 

I decided I didn’t need to repaint the ceiling or the insides of the corner cabinets from their original colors. So, I brought home color swatches until I’d chosen the right color to match.

My remodeled pink dining room on Shalavee.com

I knew that this now all warm-toned room would need a color cool down in the new rug I chose and as soon as I saw this turquoise beauty, I knew it was right. This sucker was a mere $150 bought at Esalerugs.com on a special sale day. Free shipping always. This is the same site I purchased my kilim rug for the hallway. This rug looks fancier than it is. Stuff can get spilled on it (Resolve has been go-to magic in a bottle for 25 years), cats can claw at it, and it still looks good.

My remodeled pink dining room on Shalavee.com

The curtains were another hurdle I finally overcame. I had literally never put curtains up because I didn’t know how to cost effectively handle the bay window rigging. But I’d done some prior research on Pinterest and had pinned some ideas to my secret “redecorate the dining room” board. I revisited those and found the solution.

My remodeled pink dining room on Shalavee.com

My remodeled pink dining room on Shalavee.com

I used metal electrical conduit pipe setting around in the garage. We covered it with gaff tape to make it white. Same tape technique I used on Fiona’s bedroom curtain rods. And I attached them together between the windows with rubber tubing! I was exasperated to have to pay $5 a piece for the 4 brackets to hold all this up. The only ones I could find were black too! And lastly, leveling the whole curtain rig was tough as the windows are visibly wonky. But again, only took me an hour. And them my husband offered up some extra cream-colored wedding organza and just looped maybe 17 foot runs over the rods and I tied them back with jute string. Voila, the windows and the views are framed out.

My remodeled pink dining room on Shalavee.com

The major time I took was for the painting. I blocked off the week to do it and just resigned myself to doing no other chores and to plugging my daughter into the TV for chunks of time. And as usual, the worst part was painting the woodwork. I had chosen to go back to white woodwork while leaving the corner cabinets cream. Lovely concept but that crown molding was tedious going and darned if I wasn’t “almost finished” …”almost finished” …”almost finished” when the kids started to act up.

My remodeled pink dining room on Shalavee.com

The one last decision (besides going from green to pink) that seemed avante garde was the painting of the chair rail. I have always detested the way that chair rail visually chopped up the space. I’ve seen people painting their woodwork out in the same color as the walls. And so, I went for it hoping the chair rail would disappear. It was a success and I encourage everyone to do whatever their whim tells them. It’s only paint after all.

My remodeled pink dining room on Shalavee.com

I should have been more nervous about the rug but somehow, I knew it’d be perfect and I was right. The items I hung on the walls were what I already had and went very well with an evolving color palette of pink, mustard, and aqua. And the two pieces of grass cloth that were perfectly intact when I pulled them from the wall under the windows? Turned them on their sides and mounted these fabulous sconces that I have never been able to hang until now!

My remodeled pink dining room on Shalavee.com

So how did the dinner party go you ask? It was a smash success and I was a confident hostess because I felt like my dining room was finally the exact place that I wanted to entertain in. It was the new me. The color palate is fresh and the windows are frames in that lush wedding organza. Crazy cool.

And PS, Since I’ve taken these pictures, I recovered those dining room chairs too! Had the fabric for over 20 years!

My remodeled pink dining room on Shalavee.com

 

And If you enjoyed what you read, subscribe, via the subscription box in the sidebar, to my thrice weekly posts via your email box. And visit me on Instagram to see my daily pictures, friend me or like my page on Facebook. Or come find me on Twitter or Pinterest too. I am always practicing Intentional In-touchness so chat at me please. I live for conversations.

And, as always, Thanks to you for your visit.

 

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